Despite the high concentration of single twenty-somethings in New York City, finding “the one” continues to be a challenge for the majority of these young professionals. Researchers have cited delays in career security and increased mate selectivity as the practical reasons that New Yorkers marry later in life than any generation before it. But a more immediate solution has presented itself in recent weeks from an unlikely source: mothers.
New York nightlife has seen a shift from ribald hook-up havens to more traditional courtship castles with the addition of ‘wingmoms’ to the dating landscape. Men have enlisted the help of their mothers to accompany them to hotspots in an effort to properly vet eligible partners. So far, the consensus is that wingmoms have been an invaluable asset, superior to even the most willing wingmen on the market today.
“All we do when we’re drunk is make stupid decisions,” said Ryan Stallworth, a commodities trader from Nyack. “Who better to find a nice girl for me to settle down with than the woman who’s known me my whole life? With all these hot chicks out here, I need the help.”
Stallworth was one of several young men accompanied by wingmoms at Tonic East, the popular Kips Bay meeting place. Throughout the bar’s 3 levels were middle-aged women chatting up young ladies on behalf of their sons. Conducting upbeat, casual interviews, these wingmoms got straight to the good stuff as it related to who’s really worth their sons’ time and energy.
Rita Lang, 53, has enjoyed her chats with several women, despite none of them being the right fit. “Most of them really are quite terrific, so I can understand why my Henry wouldn’t know the wheat from the chaff. Lucky for him, I can stop him from wasting anyone’s time with those messy sexcapades and those embarrassing drunken voicemails I’ve heard so much about.”
Wingmoms have also reaped secondary benefits of their nights out. While waiting on the bathroom line, Harlem librarian Monica Jackson (age withheld) confessed, “I feel so guilty telling all these young men I’m not out here looking to hook up. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it felt good to be hit on again. I could get used to sizing up all these women out here for Ronnie.”
Bachelorettes have also expressed pleasure in the new dynamic, with the echoing sentiment being that they feel safer knowing that men will likely behave less sleazily with moms around.
And Clotilde Belfort, 26 (again), revealed a financial benefit to wingmoms: “Well it’s like, I don’t want to be sloppy drunk in front of someone who could be my mother-in-law someday, right? And they’re so sweet, and they pay for the drinks. It’s like they know we have, like, no money because we live in New York, you know? But I can, like, still find a good guy when I go out. It’s perfect.”
This shift in urban courtship seems to please everyone, except for the remaining creepers who prey on the remaining young ladies at the end of boozy nights. “It’s bulls___, dude,” confided a young man preferring to be called ‘The Arm.’ “Prime time pickins is all over now with dudes being all chivalrous and making sure women get into cabs n’ s___. I’ll bet money if they didn’t have their f_____ moms around, they’d be in that elephant graveyard just like I am. It used to be so easy, now I gotta start being a good guy? The f___ is that?”
Is this for real? If so, can I be your wingmom? hahaha, seriously, though
No, it’s not real.