Lowly Knicks to Field D-League Roster for Remainder of Season

At this rate, any of these people might be on the Knicks squad in coming weeks.
At this rate, any of these people might be on the Knicks squad in coming weeks.

Following a 15-game losing streak (by an average margin of 15 points per game), New York Knicks President Phil Jackson has decided to replace the virtually the entire Knicks roster with players from the Westchester Knicks, the team’s development league affiliate. Jackson and NY Knicks head coach Derek Fisher found inspiration for this move when Langston Galloway, their most recent D-League call-up, showed heart, skill, and understanding of the offense during his first 3 NBA outings. Knicks front office consensus is that if Galloway represents the progress being made in Westchester, then the entire D-League roster deserves a chance at the big show.

“At this point, how much worse could it get? We’re abysmal,” said Jackson when explaining the decision to the press Sunday afternoon.

No one from the Knicks organization, including Coach Fisher, is concerned that loyal Knicks fans will be outraged by seeing an entirely new group of players on the court, either: “I don’t even remember the names of these guys I’ve been coaching the past several months; they’re that unremarkable. So do you really think people who watch them every other night are going to notice or care? Get real.”

The fate of the current Knicks roster (including Tim Hardaway, Jr., Travis Wear, and Amar’e Stoudamire) remains uncertain. Suggestions that they would be relegated to Westchester were squashed immediately by the D-League head coach Kevin Whitted: “Right, because coaching a bunch of millionaire scrubs is a coach’s DREAM. You’re hilarious.”

The move appears to be timed perfectly, as the Knicks’ next game will be against the Milwaukee Bucks this Thursday in London, England. The hope from Knicks owner James Dolan is that the new-look Knicks will have a chance to work out their jitters for a crowd that couldn’t care less before debuting for a rabid fan base that remains steadfast despite the damage it does to their sanity.


UPDATE: Queen Elizabeth has banned the Knicks from participating in the game versus the Bucks. In an official statement from Buckingham Palace, the Queen addressed NBA Commissioner Adam Silver: “How dare you send your garbage-arsed teams to my kingdom, sir. How very dare you.”

The NBA office has since been reaching out for replacement teams. Early candidates include the London United of the English Basketball League and the Women’s British Basketball League’s Brixton Lady TopCats. “At this point,” Silver said off the record, “we just don’t want to embarrass ourselves.”

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