STUDY: You Might Actually Have A Racist Bone in Your Body

BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA–A recent scientific discovery will now force people to think twice when claiming not to have any racist bones in their bodies. According to the Committee for Racial and Cultural Knowledge in America, a nationwide study has determined that a the human skeletal system may be responsible for generalized discriminatory thoughts and behaviors toward people of color.

“On one hand, it’s a big step forward to have a concrete explanation,” said Dr. Phil Winthorpe, lead investigator for CRaCKA. “But that clarity could now make racists feel as if their destructive mentality is beyond their control, which we remain determined to disprove.”

The CRaCKA Study Committee did not reveal which bone makes us racist in hopes that people will act human in spite of it.

Self-proclaimed non-racists have already felt the impact of the data, feeling increasingly nervous in their workplaces when in the presence of minority coworkers. Some fear that their racist bones will suddenly betray their consciences and changing how they interact.

Charles Thomas, an insurance agent in Reston, Virginia, admitted such concerns upon finding out that his participation in the study yielded a positive result: “It’s like, now I’m paranoid that since I do have a racist bone in my body, what’s to stop me from forgetting to check my privilege and stuff, you know? Am I going to become like my grandfather, who called my high school girlfriend a ‘jungle negress?’”

Despite the potential rise in complacence among people who are now classified as congenitally racist, the discovery of the racist bones in people of color has supported longstanding claims that systemic racism can infect its outward victims as it does white Americans.

“You didn’t have to do no study for that; I already told you I don’t trust my own people,” said Ronald Tilden, a security officer in Atlanta, Georgia. “Thing is, I just thought it was from TV and the media and what not. You mean to tell me I got a bone that makes me racist? Don’t make a difference, I know it ain’t right, but what am I gonna do? Let these little savages shoplift ‘cause I got some disorder? Who gon’ pay to treat it if I lose my damn job?”

Since the preliminary report’s release, the public has demanded to know the anatomical location of the identified racist bone. However, Dr. Winthorpe insists that disclosing that information before a non-invasive treatment option has been developed could be dangerous. “The last thing we need is people running around harming other people or themselves in the name of racial harmony. Millions of crackers have already destroyed families, and this study won’t be one of them.”

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