LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—The collective sigh of relief from amateur wrestling purists came to an abrupt choke point last night, when the International Olympic Committee announced that Sports Entertainment would replace Wrestling as a core event at the 2016 Summer Games in Rio De Janeiro. As the more modern derivative of a sport that had been a part of the Games since 708 BC, Sports Entertainment stands to draw viewership to rival Basketball and Swimming, a feat never achieved by Wrestling.
Sports entertainment consultants have already devised ways to invoke the spirit of the Games from start to finish. Preliminary competition is scheduled to take place in an unprecedented Five-Ring Free-For-All, and championships will be determined Ladder matches, where competitors must climb a ladder to retrieve their medals.
Although IOC leadership has said that the projected spike in ratings for Sports Entertainment will “remind the world of wrestling’s importance to combat athletics,” this monumental change has polarized the wrestling community over whether Sports Entertainment is actually a positive alternative.
“How do you even score pretend kicks and punches?” said Braden ‘The Pretzel’ Reitzel, a college All-American from Pittsburgh whose dream from childhood has been to win a gold medal for Wrestling. “And what are they gonna do, hang belts around our necks instead of medals? This makes about as much sense as bouncing off ring ropes. Just stop running, you idiots!”
Conversely, athletes who aspire to work for WWE are rejoicing over the chance to represent their respective countries: “You know something,” said WWE hopeful Mister Muerto, “It’s ‘bout time a new Dream Team arrived on the scene…but this one is gonna be your worst nightmare, brother!” Currently working indie shows in high school gymnasiums for tens of people, Muerto hopes to earn a spot on the Puerto Rican National Sports Entertainment Team so that he can showcase his talent on a bigger stage. “Make no mistake,” continued Muerto, looking directly into the camera, “Brazil might be hot in the summertime, but that’ll be nothin’ compared to the hell all you other Olympians are gonna be in for in 2016!”
Upon learning that the Summer Games will be during South American winter, Mister Muerto grabbed a folding chair and hit himself over the head with it. “YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT THE WEATHER?! NOTHING CAN STOP THE MUERTO!” Mister Muerto then went back to staring at his invisible camera as reporters backed away slowly.
The IOC would neither confirm nor deny whether WWE has been instrumental in the planning of the events. But WWE has teased that information about a “never-before-seen structure” might be revealed upon downloading the WWE App. As expected, most people seem okay with just waiting until 2016.