WASHINGTON, D.C.—The steps of the United States Capitol echoed with righteous commotion this morning as members of Congress staged a protest against the observance of Good Friday. 33 elected representatives of the American people, identifying as a Republican Christian group called The New Romans, harrumphed and ranted toward passersby that “One day is not enough! Let us have a month!”
Upon asking one man from the well-dressed mob to elaborate on the demonstration, he said, “People celebrate Good Friday as if a single day can commemorate the sacrifice Jesus made for us.” He continued, with tears in his eyes, “He gave his life so that we could appropriate his memory to suit our agenda for eternity, and this is the thanks He gets? One day that only some people have off?”
Another New Roman stepped forward to further clarify the group’s stance: “We want to remind all the Philistines out here of the contributions that American Christians have made to this great nation. But as we continue to be marginalized and relegated to just this one day or two days of remembrance, the government is all but admitting that it believes that Christian values are not superior to belief systems with far less morbid customs.”
In response to the suggestion that The New Romans’ platform is similar to when black Americans fought against marginalization to get a month dedicated to black history, one spokesman denied knowing any black people at all. “But between us,” he said anyway, “if Jesus were alive today, he’d love that bunch of criminals and welfare queens. Do you see why it’s important that we remind people that he’s dead?”
The New Romans are uncertain how long it will take to enact this change to the national calendar because, “Congress can’t get anything done while we’re out here doing the Lord’s work.” No one in attendance seemed to recognize the irony of that statement.