SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—The OmniFaith Union, keeper of the Statues of Religious Liberty, has decided against donating one to the United States, citing that “the US has demonstrated a significant disinterest in honoring its own ideals, using the very same freedom it has claimed to espouse for centuries to impinge on the freedom of those less culturally acceptable to a spiritually toxic swath of its population.” The statues, to be donated to countries that acknowledge diversity of religion as an important aspect of community, symbolize a global movement that the OFU claims the US does not reflect.
OmniFaith 1, OFU’s logic-based computer feed developed to remove all bias in public addresses, transmitted the full statement to reporters, who huddled around the breadbox-sized machine covered in Coexist Foundation stickers:
“It is not the celebration of religion in the United States that the council opposes. Rather, it is the usage of religion to betray reason and common human decency. While it is unfortunate that many people who support our mission in the United States will miss out on this goodwill gesture for the ignorance of their fellow citizens, the council believes that withholding a statue from the US is a statement that we hope will resonate, at least symbolically, throughout the universe. That statement, in laymen’s terms: it’s time to cut the bullshit.”
The OFU’s statue council, which consists of Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Pagans, and believers in everything else under the sun (including the actual sun and nothing at all), have been “profoundly disappointed” by current events in the US, including the now infamous Hobby Lobby/Canestoga Wood Specialties case against the federal government, as well as Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signing a bill that would allow businesses to refuse goods and services to citizens on religious grounds. Even Arizona Governor Jan Brewer’s recent veto of a similar bill to the one Bryant signed did not demonstrate commendable humanity to the OFU, as all evidence indicates the reversal of Brewer’s decision had more to do with protecting her state’s financial interests than with being a good person.
“It is the mission of OFU to encourage all people to pursue their understanding of ultimate truth with whichever deity or non-deity they choose,” OmniFaith 1 concluded, “but when the fundamental respect afforded to people within any faith is not extended to those of another way of life, then those criminals against humanity need look no further for our opinion of such behavior than our acronym.”
No other countries slated for statues—France, Egypt, India, and Russia are scheduled for erection ceremonies—have been snubbed to date. When asked whether recent turmoil in Russia would affect whether the country would remain on the schedule, OmniFaith 1 replied, “To his credit, President Vladimir Putin knows better than to blame any god for being such an asshole.”