9 Walking Dead Season 4 Predictions…If The Walking Dead Were Real

Last we left the gang, our favorite survivors of the South scattered their separate ways after the siege on their home base rendered it inhabitable. Lovers have been separated, families broken up, and the fate of the Walking Dead characters hangs in the balance after they proved time and again that unity is what has kept them alive for this long.

“Um…privacy? Also, Dad, don’t call me Corl anymore. It’s Carl.”

Come Sunday, Walking Dead fans will find out how this season of survival horror will resume, reuniting viewers with the characters we’ve missed for an unjustly long period (seriously, these mid-season breaks are have to stop). And as ‘hip’ as it has become to discuss the direction of the show—there’s even a television show dedicated to it—there remain some areas of conversation that probably won’t get touched. After all, The Walking Dead demands suspension of disbelief inherently, absolving the show from addressing the more practical issues that the characters might encounter.

Well I grew up watching television in the 80s. And 80s television was ALL about the issues. Back then, even a sitcom was incomplete without an episode about alcoholism (Family Ties), kidnapping (Diff’rent Strokes), or racism (Growing Pains).

Actually, The Walking Dead has done its share of covering all of those, but I still have some practical predictions for what would happen in the second half of season 4 of The Walking Dead if it were in the world as we know it today. Hopefully they will give you something to think about until Sunday. Have a good weekend, Humanoids.

Rick finally remembers that Hershel was a veterinarian…and has a good long stare in the mirror about it

This recollection may seem irrelevant now, but the same flu outbreak that Hershel worked so hard to stop might have been prevented had Rick asked Hershel to have a look at that sickly pig the moment he thought something was wrong. Sure, it’s a long shot that Hershel would have brought the pig back to health or that he would have even known that a proactive quarantine was imperative. But for Rick to not even have a conversation with Hershel about it demonstrates the kind of failure in leadership that plagues Rick’s mind, especially when he has a reflective surface to stare at. While he’s out there on the road with Carl, hoping to find Little Ass Kicker, all the denial that precipitated the collapse of their micro-civilization may bring him back to one sick pig.

Carl discovers porn, putting everyone around him at risk

We all know that Carl is at that age, and not even a zombie apocalypse can stand up to the hormones of an adolescent. In a real world zombie catastrophe, we could all expect Carl to be a lot less reliable when one good last-second gunshot would save someone’s life. The kid’s got needs, too.

Sasha will go into hiding until Michonne dies

Sasha knows the deal. She knows what happens to black people on this show. She’s aware of the conservation of blackness on television writ large, and she’s not about to let herself get taken out just because she came on board later than Michonne and has a much weaker skill set, cool factor, and less intriguing past than Michonne. Sasha knows that there can only be one, so it would only make sense that she would keep her head down in hopes that she will be called upon to be the lone sista.

Of course, it wouldn’t work; Michonne dying might give Chris Hardwick weeks of fodder, but the viewer fallout would be staggering.

Maggie forgets all about Glen to come find me

Don’t laugh; this is my post. Can a BLACK man dream on how own dayamn blog?!

Governor Phil joins Lori in hell, where they continue to be horrible

Okay, so it’s not a real world prediction, but it’s enough of a want to make me believe in the afterlife. What awful people they both were.

Tyreese gets detained and questioned about where he got them little white kids

Yes, it’s a zombie apocalypse…but it’s still America…and Georgia at that.

Beth becomes a stripper

Beth was icy toward her last boyfriend, who then died a horrific death, and she still regrets not doing the sex with him (forgive the phrasing; she’s sheltered). Now, she’s out in the wilderness at a pivotal time during which her sexual identity and self-esteem will be at the mercy of the road-weary savages whose only respite is the companionship of a nubile, doe eyed lass. And at this stage of her life, with impending daddy issues, approval of those savages may be the relief she seeks in her time of need.

For those of you who are worried about the worst possible things that could happen to Beth alone out there, remember that listening to her sing is a worse fate than encountering vagina dentata. She’ll be fine.

Rick updates the survivor quiz to include a F___, Marry, Kill scenario

Hell, all Rick’s trying to do is get to know the people he considers living with. Was only a matter of time before he decided that a little levity would make him a more endearing camp mate.

Carol and Daryl find each other

They just HAVE to. It’s the only real love on the show! WE NEED IT!!!

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