The Real “Sexy” Halloween Costumes of 2013

It’s that time of year again, Humanoids, when legions of young ladies take to the streets looking like rookie sex workers. It is the day women revoke their own licenses of self-respect in exchange for copious amounts of cheap booze and even cheaper costumes, when men are allowed to call women ‘slutty’ when they would otherwise be harangued as gender criminals.

By now, given all of the criticism of the trend of uninspired costumes, even those who will end up vomiting on their own shoes this All Hallow’s Eve know that ‘slutty’ and ‘sexy’ can’t really be store-bought; those distinctions have to be earned. Alas, the multimillion-dollar industry designed to convince us otherwise continues to sway the culture into ignoring the lasting effects of taking one night to succumb to the sophomoric imagery tied to such loaded categories.

So what do we do, Humanoids, when we’re up against the wall of capitalism that tempts us to bastardize Halloween year after year? Listen to ME, that’s what! Some of you may remember last year’s list of real “sexy” Halloween costumes. And the Marz Media tradition continues with this year’s installment.

Please trust that as a self-proclaimed and peer-confirmed feminist, I recognize the irony of defining what sexy should be to women. But frankly, my perspective works against everything women are unfortunately bombarded with daily, so let’s get into it now that you’re aware that I’m not a complete moron:

VirginiaJohnsonVirginia Johnson

MuthaF___ Mad Men! If you’re going to dress old timey, don’t do it in the name of advertising; do it in honor of the quest for greater sexual knowledge. And let’s face it Halloweeners: even when drunk, wouldn’t it be nice to roll around with someone who at least pretended to be something of an expert at it? Virginia Johnson from Masters of Sex is the manifestation of the most important logic puzzle known to man: knowledge equals power, and power is controlled by the human vagina; therefore…I don’t know, I always sucked at logic puzzles, but you ladies out here get the point.

Keep your cleavage to yourself, talk like you know a thing or two, and see what kind of guy you pull. You’re welcome.

Michonne

MichonneMost viewers of AMC’s The Walking Dead may not realize it, but it’s likely that Michonne’s emotional baggage could lead to some pretty mind-blowing intra-linen activity.

And in the real world, a woman able to chat about the most popular survival horror series of all time with a dude is a hell of a lot sexier than that horribly immodest pleather uniform you picked out. Also, you might actually have a conversation that justifies going home with a stranger and *gasp* talking to him again…you know, provided you haven’t already lost your phone in a taxicab.

Culture warning: fairer skinned women need not ‘brown up’ to complete this ensemble, but make sure your dreadlocks are on point.

SifSif

With all due shallow respect to Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings, the sexiest female character in Thor: The Dark World will be Sif, played by Jaimie Alexander. Sif already wowed audiences as the sexiest killer in Asgard (relax, Idris fans; I’m only talking about women) during the first movie, so the sequel’s November release is no excuse for lacking source material for her likeness.

Plus, a lady could do worse on a chilly October night than to be armed with a cape and sharp weapon (ask Michonne). Plus, wouldn’t it be nice to feel sexy AND rock a ponytail at the same time? If you don’t think it’s possible, I’ve been to the gym; y’all just don’t know…

Neko Case

Neko Case performs on 6 July 2013 in OttawaNo, maturity and sexiness are not mutually exclusive, much less among redheads (I mean, if you’re into that…which I kind of am…sometimes…STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS).

From what I’m told, being familiar with Neko Case comes with a cachet more interesting than someone who gallivants around the streets with a fake wrecking ball between her legs (oh yeah, there will be more of those than there were Borat banana hammocks).

Full disclosure: I’ve never heard song one by Neko Case, but if I saw her up on stage doing her thing, I’d be more into that than some chicken-legged twerker.

janelle_monaeJanelle Monae

If you listen to the Marz Media Podcast (subscribe/rate on iTunes), you may want me to shut up about this woman already, but I won’t because the image she projects is great for women. I used to think that the only way that a woman could be sexy in drag is if she were busting out of her top. Whelp, Ms. Monae proved me wrong.

Her persona says control, respect, and woman in a way that our culture spends billions of dollars to silence. So, ladies, do yourselves a favor and consider this look for the parade tomorrow night. Who knows? You might just start to undo all the crap you’ve been spoon-fed by magazines and your moms.

Shé

ShéReturning readers may know that Machete Kills disappointed me more than the season finale of Lost (yeah, it’s that bad). Luckily, Michelle Rodriguez didn’t suffer a collateral letdown in badassery because she wasn’t in the movie for very long.

Shé’s battle gear looks pretty similar to something a moderately creative woman would put together for any night on the sexy town. But most women probably wouldn’t think to add an eye patch to the outfit, which adds a level of “tread carefully while you want me” not possible as a tarted-up pirate.

MullinsDetective Shannon Mullins

Don’t let the Robin Thicke video fool you; there isn’t much sexier than a funny woman who likes to eat. And the big girls deserve to have just as much fun in these streets on Halloween as the ones who only eat a lot to facilitate binge drinking.

This brand of sexy says you have a sense of humor and the confidence to let your personality do the work when it comes to wooing drunken men. Sure, you don’t have to have much personality to unwind on Halloween night, but consider it conditioning for when you’re walking around this winter wishing it were summer so that men would look at you again.

Marie Laveau

marielaveauNot very tempting in this photo, I know, but the voodoo priestess featured currently in American Horror Story: Coven has more than this look in her boudoir. And with some seriously chiseled guns and no patience for bad white people, Laveau takes Michelle Obama sass and turns it up to 11.

But this is a next level costume reserved only for women who, at the very least, look like they work out. Try pulling off the Angela Bassett look without some kind of Crossfit program and see how quickly this costume goes from Miss God DAYAMN to Miss Cleo.

GemmaGemma Teller Morrow

“Me, I like a little more patina on my precious metal.”

Anyone who remembers when Nero Padilla said that during season 5 of Sons of Anarchy knows that very little says ‘worth it’ than a lady with some experience. And fans of the show know that Gemma wouldn’t have been (ironically) the heart of the show without having to go a few rounds with some serious dudes.

But be warned: this costume should not be worn willy-nilly. If you’re under the age of 30, you may want to leave this one to the ladies who will haul off and punch you in the face if you try to cut in front of her at the bar. Seriously, Gemma once dropped a bitch with a skateboard. A SKATEBOARD!

Dr. Ryan Stone

DrRyanStoneSome of you may be thinking, “Why bother dressing like a real astronaut when Halloween Adventure already has the Sexy Astronaut costume?” BECAUSE THE REAL THING IS SEXIER, YA FRIGGIN’ IDIOT!

Seriously, though, if you haven’t seen Gravity, then you may not know the full potential of an astronaut costume. Sure, there’s the durable, bulky suit with the helmet that is comical under any other circumstance besides the uninhabitable void. But what I had the privilege of realizing during the movie is that the inner part of an astronaut costume is a tank top and boyshorts. And frankly, I had no idea Sandra Bullock’s thigh game was so strong.

I’ve heard that in order to feel more confident in a stressful environment, women sometimes wear underwear that makes them feel sexy. Supposing that practice is true, knowing that you’re wearing a tank top and boyshorts underneath a costume not designed to get a rise out of men ought to make you more carefree. And that’s really should be the core of lady fun in these streets, isn’t it? Happy Halloween, ev’r’buddy!

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