AMERICA—This past weekend passed as it does every year, with modest numbers of white college students donning their most clever blackface to authenticate their Halloween costumes. But the thoughtfully edgy tradition celebrated by undergrads all over the country met an unfriendly reception from law enforcement, as a rash of shootings took the lives of 44 white students reportedly mistaken for black people.
“We were all out just having fun, exercising our rights as Americans when police started shooting at us for no reason,” said Cam Walden of Lubbock, Texas, who managed to escape unwounded. “Lucky I went as Drake this year.”
All police forces involved in shootings—which took place in Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Florida, South Carolina, California, and Boston—insist that there was no nationwide conspiracy to exercise lethal force as a way to ruin the Halloween fun once and for all. Rather, every officer who shot a student has since been either wrecked with guilt or frustrated by being misled.
“I thought it was a righteous kill,” said Deputy Ralph Gilley of the Mobile Sheriff’s Department. “I saw a brown person in a prison uniform eating candy and drinkin’ a 40 with a bunch of white kids laughing, but I just knew it was one o’ them nervous laughs.”
“We’re told to do a very specific job,” said Sergeant Phil Fillion of the Sanford PD in Florida, stopping himself before saying what the specific job was. “But when white kids are out here confusing us, we can’t really do it correctly, can we?”
16 police departments are already under investigation pending lawsuits from families police should have known better than to upset. To date, Boston Police Chief Fitzy O’ Curlicue has expressed the most concern over what the fallout of these killings will mean for his city. “You know how many dumb f___in’ college kids we got up here? And they’re from money, kid, like, from f___in’ everywhere. Forget the paperwork, they’re gonna hang me like they used to do the blacks! How’d that be for poetic f___in’ justice? They’ll probably even put me in a f___in’ Kayne costume first! What a f___in’ s___show!”
In related news, 3 white NYU students have drafted a petition to completely do away with the NYPD’s ‘stop-and-frisk’ policy after experiencing what they have called “the most demoralizing experience [they’ve] ever had to deal with, like, ever.” After being accosted by police for reportedly “pulling off the best 2 Chainz, Crazy Eyes, and LeBron,” the students, who preferred anonymity to allay family embarrassment, say they “now understand what it must be like for black people in New York. Totally sucks.”
NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly, in typical fashion, has shown no signs of backing down from the controversy via Twitter: “This is my city. If these kids wanna act like a bunch of rich niggers, then that’s how we’ll treat you. No different from poor ones. #swag”