CASTLE—Despite appeals to law enforcement, Jareth the Goblin King remains in exile after Sarah told police that Jareth abducted her baby brother Toby. Jareth claims that the past 25 years have been “hellish,” in part because he has been unable to update his wardrobe since 1988.

“They simply don’t make a good codpiece in the labyrinth,” Jareth explained. “And now that I’m on every watch list imaginable, I can’t exactly pop over to the West Village anymore, can I?”

Sarah, on the other hand, has managed a relatively normal life since Toby’s disappearance. Now a 40-year-old yoga instructor and energy healer, Sarah still claims that Toby resides within the labyrinth walls. “My relationship with my dad and stepmother was strained quite a bit after Toby died–I mean disappeared,” Sarah said as rinsed bad vibes off a sinkful of crystals. “But once they saw what Jareth looked like, they understood how I’d be powerless against such seductive androgyny.”

Despite the insistence that he is not an evil man, the Jareth has not forgiven Sarah for her testimony. “That c___ should be in a mental hospital! How did no one notice that she pulled a full-on Keyser Söze on everyone? I know humans can be prejudiced, especially against people who look like I do, but I swear on my glass balls that she killed that baby herself because he wouldn’t stop crying.”

When asked how he had access to such information, from Toby’s crying to the film The Usual Suspects, Jareth replied, “I heard Sarah’s call that night, as did my goblins, but I ordered them not to answer her because, frankly, I have no interest in infant boys. I prefer mature men to share company, hence my knowledge of the film. Kevin Spacey and I had a thing once. Oh, the things we did on those Escher staircases. I saw all of his films. Now they just make me sad.”

As for clearing his name, Jareth has begun considering other options. “I’m told there that there is an electronic network that allows humans to transmit information at a rate competitive with my Owl.” Jareth is currently raising funds to launch an online campaign presenting evidence that he did not kidnap Toby, but it has already proven challenging within his own realm. “Hoggle is completely useless in this venture. He’s been stealing more of my jewelry lately, and that just won’t do. Junk Lady spends so time gossiping about me, you’d think she had her own website already. As for the Helping Hands, they cannot type. Go figure.”