Bloomberg to Garnett, Pierce: “Spread your cheeks and lift your sack!”

NEW YORK, NY—Mayor Mike Bloomberg has put the city on Amber Alert for the impending arrival of NBA stars Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce. Upon joining the Brooklyn Nets this summer, the former Boston Celtics have been placed at the top of all New York Police Department watch lists. Further, Bloomberg has ordered mandatory cavity searches of both Pierce and Garnett the moment they cross city limits.

Garnett and Pierce wasted no time responding to the news via Twitter:

RealKGarnett: “If I wanted people all up in my ass, I would’ve signed with Miami. Not my kind of ‘trade,’ feel me? #pause”

PaulPierce34: “Damn. Actin’ like I’ve been shot won’t work for this foul isht. These niggas will just do it. #nypd #newslaves”

Bloomberg remembers the last time 2 black athletes raised their fists, and he didn't like it.
Bloomberg remembers the last time 2 black athletes raised their fists, and he didn’t like it.

Initially, the public also protested Bloomberg’s order, citing it as another example of the mayor’s nonsensical support for the NYPD’s unpopular ‘Stop-and-Frisk’ policy. But Bloomberg clarified that racial profiling was not the main concern about the 2 future hall of famers.

“No one can deny that sports rivalries between Boston and New York have been fierce for well over a century, so it’s only practical to take precautions to prevent those rivalries from reaching a point of no return. And knowing how competitive Paul and Kevin are, I wouldn’t put it past either of them to join a rival to bring about its undoing. And also, they’re black; we should really be searching them anyway. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: more blacks and browns need to be searched. Period. Hashtag they’re all criminals. Bloomberg 2016. Peace!”

Most of the public in attendance of Bloomberg’s press conference seemed to miss the racist part of his speech, including the very end when he dropped the mic and flew away on his jetpack. By then, murmurs about the Yankees and Red Sox had already filled the room, and it seemed like everyone had a story about something extreme they had done in the name of team loyalty. The crowd eventually dispersed as they agreed that none of them could afford to attend Yankees or Nets games anymore anyway.

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