Dove Washes Hands Of D-Wade And His Weird Clothes

As all the participants in the 2013 NBA Finals try to remain focused as the series approaches its end, Dwyane Wade will be challenged unlike the rest. This morning, the star guard of the Miami Heat officially joined rappers Rick Ross and Lil Wayne as the latest celebrity to lose his corporate sponsorship in 2013. And sources have confirmed that Wade’s sense of style is to blame for him being removed Dove’s Men+Care campaign.

Dwayne ignored the vibrating phone in his bag, because he wasn't about to give Gabrielle Union her pants back.
Dwayne ignored the vibrating phone in his bag; he wasn’t about to give Gabrielle Union her outfit back.

“We took a risk with the ultimatum: ‘fire your stylist or we void the endorsement,’ said a Dove spokesperson. The Unilever-owned brand cited conduct detrimental to the company as to why they rescinded their marketing arrangement with Wade, but Dove’s representative admitted that the decision was in response to pressure from shareholders. “Ultimately, we believe we made the right decision. The risk is too great to put our business at risk because some rich guy doesn’t care they he dresses like an effeminate dandy.”

Further investigation uncovered that a conservative men’s group threatened to launch a boycott of Dove products unless the company voided the endorsement, claiming that the way Wade dresses sets the wrong example for young heterosexual men and boys.

“We got no problem with Jason [Collins], and if he dressed that way, it’d make sense to us,” said Braymond Jones, president of People Against Unnecessarily Suspect Events (PAUSE). “But if D Wade likes women, he shouldn’t be dressing like one. We’re thinking about the children. They are the future of this nation, and they deserve to not be confused.”
PAUSE has been under the radar since its inception in 2002 after Jones saw Lil Wayne kissing mentor Bryan Williams (popularly known as Baby, also known as Birdman) on the mouth during on an episode of BET’s Rap City. But their influence has apparently expanded into corporate America. Although rumors have circulated that PAUSE may also target Wade’s teammate Chris Bosh, PAUSE has denied that they have any interest in the Heat center.

“Bosh would be too easy,” laughed Jones. “We might f___ ‘round and catch a hate crime messin’ with that dude. The verdict is still out, but it’s only a matter of time before he is.”

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