NBA’s Bobcats to Become Hornets Again, Insects Upset

CHARLOTTE, NC—North Carolina’s wasp population has banded together to protest Michael Jordan’s plan to restore the Hornets name to his NBA franchise. Currently known as the Bobcats, the team’s recent trend of futility has human residents of the city taking the threat of growing wasp ire seriously. Since Jordan’s announcement last week, EpiPens have disappeared from drugstore shelves in preparation for what appears to be an insect insurrection only before seen on Syfy.

Wins kept the hive at ease in the 90s. The 10s? Not so much.
Muggsy: “That swarm looks angry, LJ. What we gon’ do?”
LJ: “We’d better make some stops and get the lead back.”
Zo: “God don’t want us to get stung to death, y’all. He told me. God talks to me. You callin’ me a liar?”

“We are not the sting-happy villains you humans make us out to be,” wasp spokesman Spike Fuckabee told the press Sunday, “but should you make us the namesake of this scrub factory of a team, we have every intention of proving you right.”

Although Jordan’s staff has already begun to prepare for the transition, his related business opportunities have already dwindled. Italian scooter manufacturer Vespa has already backed out of discussions to sponsor the team via uniform branding, a deal that could have revolutionized how the league earns revenue. Vespa’s North American office issued the statement that they “initially were excited about bringing the league in step with how other leagues all over the world make money. But after watching footage of the team play, it is clear that any five Italians could make more baskets with just their feet in one game than these guys make all season. So it is a bad partnership for us.”

According to NBA officials, the process of a name change will take approximately 18 months, marking the 2014-15 NBA season as the proposed reinauguration of the Charlotte Hornets. Human petitions supporting the wasp community are already circulating online, voicing concerns that if wasps enlist the support of other arthropods such as crabs, lobsters, and shrimp, the seafood industry may collapse as a result of the greatest basketball player of all time trying to impose his will on the animal kingdom. The rumored Kickstarter campaign intended to buy out Jordan’s plan has yet to be confirmed.

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