BARTOW, FLORIDA–“It’s about damn time,” said the publicist of Kiera Wilmot, the 16-year-old who became the consensus #1 prospect for the 2013 signing period of the World Terrorism Federation yesterday. Terror scouts—none of whom had even heard of Wilmot before her arrest for detonating a water bottle filled with household products last week—have been scrambling to arrange visits to the Florida student, in hopes that she will commit to one of their networks.
Although this recognition is what Wilmot has been waiting for since her Pee Wee terror days, she and her camp remain cagey about what the future holds for the amateur chemist. “She has a lot of options to weigh right now,” Wilmot’s publicist explained. “The offers have been flooding in from Al Qaeda, The Taliban, the IRA, and even the Ku Klux Klan. She can pretty much write her own ticket right now, so we have to find the best situation for her and her family.”
Wilmot has taken the hectic week in stride despite her arrest and her ensuing expulsion from Bartow High School. “This was kind of a wake-up call for her,” continued Wilmot’s publicist. “Given the option of finishing high school in the expulsion program or taking her talents to the next level, Kiera did some soul searching and realized that this was all a blessing in disguise. It’s as if the Polk County School District wants her to go pro.”
Some WTF teams have gone on record to explain how valuable Wilmot could be despite her gender and race. “We’ve been in rebuild mode for so long that we needed to reassess how we attract talent,” said a spokesperson for the Ku Klux Klan. “Sure, Wilmot’s colored, but we see her potential, and she could develop into one of the greatest creators of hate-based mayhem in the history of terror. Hard to pass that up.”
Al Qaeda was more tight-lipped than the Klan, but still admitted interest. “We do not know how we will manage the woman thing. That is very difficult for us. But Kiera Wilmot is smart and creative with tremendous upside. Only a fool would ignore those things in a young terrorist.”