CHELSEA, ALABAMA—The unofficially segregated Wal-Mart outside of Birmingham resembled the 2013 Presidential Inauguration this morning…if it had been bombed with nitrous oxide. Black and white shoppers embraced each other to keep from “rofl’ing,” and all evidence suggests that this happening was a mass response to the new LL Cool J/Brad Paisley song, Accidental Racist. Although LL and BP set out to usher the nation into a new post-racial paradigm with their collaboration, it is doubtful that the artists wanted to do so at their artistic expense.
“That s___’s turrible!” said Arlo Muggins as he tried to catch his breath. Donning his Confederate flag baseball cap, Muggins, 57, held the shoulders of Jamal’athan Washington, 23, a former high school football star. Washington wiped tears from his face with the tail of his du rag before he could speak. “This the worst s___ since…hell, I don’t know; I flunked history!” Muggins and Washington then proceeded to swap headdresses.
Wal-Mart manager Stew Woolitt was initially embarrassed by the response to the song, a selection he made personally, but he quickly resigned himself to the ensuing reality. “Some people wouldn’t know good music if it bit ‘em. Whelp, least they ain’t wreckin’ m’store.”
However, other Wal-Mart employees reported that the song had an inverse effect when the song ended. “It was like a spell had been lifted, and everyone was, like, at each other,” said Rosa Montalvez, apparently immune to the song, as were the rest of the Latino employees. “But then Mr. Woolitt put the song back on and everyone was back to happy again.”
Rumors are already circulating about Wal-Mart locations across the South playing “Accidental Racist” 24/7 to create a more harmonious shopping experience for all. But almost like clock work, Republican congressmen from those states are already drafting legislature to prevent such action. One Georgia congressman tweeted, under @WeShallRiseAgain, “End racism n da south? And kill my platform? Lolz! #donttouchmymoney.”
LL Cool J and Brad Paisley were unavailable to comment on what transpired in Alabama, but music lovers have cause to suspect that this is yet another Phenomenon that LL would rather forget.