Woman Doesn’t Shave Legs, Still Gets Date

NEW YORK, NY—‘Twas a weekend like most in the city, legions of young singles sprinkled throughout the hundreds of bars across Manhattan on the prowl for the flesh of another. But last Saturday, the eve before the resurrection of Christ, a miracle took place that rivals Jesus’s return.

razorPhoebe Mikkelson, 28, got the text message during her lunch break. “I almost choked on my Amy’s Pot Pie,” she admitted. The text was from Vinnie, whose last name Phoebe still doesn’t know, and apparently he had enjoyed what she thought was a one-night stand. That Vinnie would want to see her again was inconceivable because of the circumstances of the hook-up.

“I didn’t even want to go out that night,” she said. “My ex called that morning to tell me he was getting married. It’s better than finding out on Facebook, I guess. I’m really getting tired of that f___ing feature.”

Getting back on track in the interview, Phoebe explained why she was so shocked that Vinnie, a 24-year-old paralegal from New Jersey, had asked her out on an actual date. “I usually don’t go for guys like that, you know,” Phoebe continued, “and I hadn’t even shaved my legs that night, so I didn’t even bother to flirt. Then we started doing shots, and next thing I know, we’re in a cab going back to my place.”

Vinnie’s memory of Phoebe only underscores Phoebe’s modesty: “Bro, between me and you, this girl is a f___in’ treasure. You could tell she’s, like, kind of nerdy, but like, sexy at the same time, you know? And that’s, like, not even what the other chicks at The Gin Mill are like, bro. Trust me.”

When asked whether Phoebe’s leg stubble made him hesitant about whether to see her again, Vinnie laughed. “Are you serious, bro? You have had sex before, right? But in keeping it one hundred,” Vinnie leaned in, “any broad can get smooth legs, but that don’t mean they’re worth getting to know. Usually not, bro. Trust me.”

GinMillAlready texting with her girlfriends about her tentative plans for Wednesday, Phoebe tried to play it cool, but the reporters were not convinced. Finally, Phoebe broke down and came clean about what this date could mean. “You know…you try to act like it doesn’t matter…like you’ll find the right guy eventually, or you won’t and that’s fine, too, because there’s always cats…but then, out of nowhere, someone comes along when you’re at your worst and says, ‘Hey girl, who let you get away?’”

Since the news went public, The Gin Mill has been trending citywide on Twitter, with users agreeing to meet there to see if they can benefit residually from Phoebe and Vinnie’s fortune.

Phoebe has already stopped checking My Friends Are Married on Tumblr, and Vinnie has been uncharacteristically silent with his friends about how Saturday night went. As for whether she is worried about the future with Vinnie, she said with a new calm, “He looked past my leg hair. I trust him.”

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