TORONTO, ONTARIO—As of Monday, NBA fans from one of the league’s most miserable cities can officially say that Rob Ford has their back. Ford, the 64th mayor of Toronto, filed suit yesterday against the officials who presided over Sunday’s Raptors showdown against the Los Angeles Lakers. Ford claims that the 1st-half ejection of Lakers center Dwight Howard was a breach of contract with the attendees of the Air Canada Centre, who were obviously only there to watch the Lakers team destroy their own.
“It’s like telling a child they can have Lucky Charms without the marshmallows,” said Ford to a cavernous room of three reporters. “You don’t take away one of the few things people look forward to, especially when they have so little to live for already. And I can say that; I’m the mayor of this dingy circus tent.”
It is likely that Ford is using the penalty issued to Spurs coach Gregg Popovich by Commissioner David Stern as precedent for his suit. Stern fined Popovich $250k for sending 4 of his best players home before their matchup with the Miami Heat last month, causing controversy especially when the Heat only won that game by 5 points.
When one of the bloggers asked Mayor Ford about whether he cared that the Raptors kept the game close with the Lakers with Howard out of the game, he erupted:
“Are you serious right now? Do know how much fun it is the watch all-stars go bananas against our team? The Lakers with all of their tall guys doing all of their dunks and stuff? You’re too young to remember when Kobe scored 81 points here in 2006. 81! The Raptors players may not have liked it, but the fans sure did. They became a part of history that night. And who knows what kind of history Dwight Howard could have made if he’d played the whole game. He might have dunked with his teeth or something. But now we’ll never know because those bozos with the whistles probably stayed in one of our crappy hotels and wanted to make that everyone else’s problem. Real professionals, those guys.”
The league has since wiped the technical foul that got Howard ejected from his accumulative record, delaying the point at which he gets fined and banned 1 game. Concurrently, the rescinding of the foul strengthens Ford’s case against the referees, or so he thinks:
“This city’s entire existence is a collective ‘our bad.’ We don’t need Americans coming here with their own mistakes and ruining the one chance our basketball fans have at a day worth remembering. I have half a mind to call David Stern right now and tell him that we don’t even want an NBA team anymore. In fact…” Ford left the podium trying to get his phone out of his pocket.
There has been no confirmation as to whether the Raptors are still Toronto’s NBA team. When the Marz Daily Media staff called NBA headquarters to inquire about the team, the league representative claimed to have no knowledge of a Toronto Raptors team even existing.