LOS ANGELES, CA–Due to uncharacteristically low ratings, NBA Commissioner David Stern has decided to pull the plug on one of the league’s longest running programs. Following a promising summer of casting changes, which have not panned out, the O’Brien Award-winning franchise failed to emulate its former greatness in its first 17 episodes of season 63, with the final straw being the Lakers’ 113-103 loss to the lowly Orlando Magic on Sunday.
Stern’s announcement that he’d close the Lakers’ arena doors for good came as a surprise to producer Mitch Kupchak and showrunner Jim Buss. Although the majority of sports reporters and basketball fans alike places the blame on Buss, Jim maintains that Stern’s cancellation of the Lake Show has more to do with the changing sensibilities of the basketball audience.
“I guess no one is ready for the mighty Lakers to play the role of underdog. This is just a case of history getting in the way of compelling television,” Buss said from his glass-bubble-shaped office. “The league is saturated with predictable story lines right now, and unfortunately there’s no room for the multidimensional narrative we wanted to tell in LA this season.”
Kupchak, on the other hand, betrayed his normal resolve and erupted to reporters when he heard the news: “This is complete bulls___! They cancel us, but The Wizards get to stay. Seriously, who actually watches that garbage?”
Despite the imminent end, Lakers star Kobe Bryant, who plays the omnipotent shooting guard and team leader, has loyally stuck to the script as he showed his displeasure for his teammates’ performance as he left the court in deadpan disgust with seconds remaining in last week’s game against the Memphis Grizzlies. More recently, Bryant’s request that fellow cast member Pau Gasol “put his big boy pants on” is reportedly a critical scene in which the European finesse player has his manhood questioned once and for all, leading to a turning point in the Lakers’ season.
In the locker room, reporters have noticed a clear divide between the future Hall of Famer and his remaining co-stars, all of whom dared not look in his remote direction. Even with their tenure on the Lakers all but over, the players’ commitment to their collective story arc will certainly improve their chances of joining other teams looking to re-energize their casts with agreeable on-air talent next summer.
Out of logistical convenience, Commissioner Stern will allow The Lakers to finish up the remaining 65 games that the league ordered. The possibility of syndicated re-runs of this final season has yet to be discussed, but the Best Of The Lakers DVD is already in development, because there is no way that any of this season’s footage has any chance of being included until the “Lost Tapes” Edition.