God: “Marathons are gay”

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Christian Broadcasting Network televangelist Pat Robertson has used his television show, The 700 Club, as a platform to explain natural phenomena in terms of God’s will for decades. And on Friday, in the wake of Hurricane Sandy, Robertson announced that he received divine justification for the recent disaster. According to Robertson, God’s endgame in this storm, which caused unprecedented damage to the American east coast, was to demonstrate his disapproval of homosexuality. And Robertson insists that the cancellation of the ING New York Marathon makes God’s intent most clear.

Robertson in 2011, explaining why the Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami happened

“Calling off this ungodly race, made famous by the sooty-faced Persians and the orgy-loving Greeks, came at the expense of approximately 40 lives and millions of dollars in damage, because death and destruction is the only language that Jew York City Mayor Michael Bloomburglar can understand,” Robertson said in a frighteningly composed state. Robertson maintains that God speaks through him because of their strong relationship, demonstrated by their mutual #1 friend positions on MySpace.

Robertson continued by assuring the “urban sodomites” that they will continue to be sacrificed, as “the Jew York Marathon is only the first step, a warning. The next time you see this kind of devastation may be your final Pride Parade. So repent now and protect mankind. The choice is yours, as it always was.”

Off air, Robertson appeared shaken by what this recent catastrophe could really mean, because he hasn’t actually been in touch with God in quite some time. An investigation of Robertson’s MySpace inbox revealed that his last conversation with God in 2008, the same year that everyone decided MySpace was lame.

Before leaving the CBN headquarters, our source saw Robertson ordering his assistant to continue an ongoing Facebook search for God, presumably in hopes of reconnecting. Robertson’s assistant, who set up both MySpace accounts, admitted to Marz Daily Media that connecting Robertson to the God page on Facebook would shock Robertson, asserting that “he might just die if he knew that God was a 28-year-old Jew turned atheist.”

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