“Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies:” Revisionist History or Indisputable Truth?

In the year of our Lord, Two Thousand Twelve, motion picture director Richard Schenkman reenacted the untold battle waged by our nation’s greatest president against a legion of the undead. Common folk have passed down a flawed narrative of this event down through generations, claiming that Abraham Lincoln was the arch nemesis Count Dracula. But those more attuned to history know that the most accurate account of this unforgettable tale the straight-to-video gore-fest Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies.

President Lincoln, armed only with his trusty scythe and steely resolve —and accompanied by his secret service, the very mature for his age 5-year-old Theodore Roosevelt, the rogue Confederate Pat Garrett, and a small band of Georgia prostitutes—engaged in a battle unlike any ever recorded, removing the heads of the ghoulish horde that threatened not only to sidetrack the war between North and South, but also to condemn the Union to eternal hellfire.

In relentless opposition to Lincoln’s vow to cleanse the earth of this ungodly infestation was General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson. One-armed and wearing a beard of an authenticity only rivaled by the kind held on by ear straps, Stonewall refused to set aside the differences of the living, denying Lincoln full access to the weaponry that would have made the elimination of the zombies storming Fort Pulaski quite simple.

It should be noted that Schenkman is the first historian to reveal that while Stonewall Jackson’s death was due to complications from pneumonia, pneumonia was a term applied to a plethora of misfortunes, including zombie attacks. Yes, pneumonia was to preternatural disasters as syphilis was to “social” diseases in those days. And while many trusted sources, such as schoolteachers and Wikipedia, have steered us in a more sugarcoated direction in terms of our country’s beginnings, Schenkman removes the veil and shows the audience our nation at its most naked.

But the greatest revelation that Schenkman depicted in this adventurous drama was the true motivation behind the assassination of Abraham Lincoln by the actor John Wilkes Booth. Yes, Booth’s vow to rid the United States of Lincoln’s leadership came to fruition at the Ford’s Theatre by a gunshot wound in the back of President Lincoln’s skull. However, the assassination was in fact Lincoln’s final sacrifice for our country, having no other choice but to arrange for his own demise, thereby preempting any havoc his infected corpse would wreak had he returned from the dead.

So while Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was a big-budget thrill ride that exercised creative license to entertain millions of people and rake in millions of dollars, all it took for Richard Schenkman to set the record straight in all of its fantastical glory was one hundred fifty thousand dollars. And although the adage “You get what you pay for” is true in many instances, something along the lines of “It’s much more costly to lie” makes more sense in this case.


PS: Trololo.

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