Eagles Guitarist Plagued by Death Threats, Identify Theft

Joe Walsh: A-Lister

LOS ANGELES, CA—Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Joe Walsh donned a hoodie and sunglasses while ordering his coffee at the Starbucks on Melrose and North Stanley Avenues yesterday morning. Although Walsh had previously relished in the appreciation of his diehard fans, his decision to travel incognito has become a matter of survival.

“This idiot in Illinois has people after me; I’d hoped people wouldn’t think I was that stupid,” Walsh mumbled on the way back to his car. The guy in Illinois to which the Eagles guitarist was referring is Congressman Joe Walsh, who recently made headlines by claiming that the need for abortions in cases where the life of the expectant mothers is at stake has become a clinical nonissue.

Joe Walsh: A-Hole

Since this statement went public, Walsh the musician has received hate mail unlike anything he has ever seen. “I would have expected this kind of thing back when I said I’d run for President in ’80,” he said, visibly shaken by the barrage of negativity. “The craziest thing I wanted to do was change the national anthem, maybe give people free gas, you know? That stuff isn’t anywhere near keep-that-rape-baby crazy.”

Walsh is scheduled to appear at the Wilshire Ebell Theatre on October 27, and at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas on November 17. “I’m just hoping people still come out so I can set the record straight. Hell, I’m almost 15 years older than that bozo. And I’m 15 million times cooler.”

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