The Real “Sexy” Costumes of Halloween

Ah, Halloween: the one day of the year when women test the fashion boundaries of “she was asking for it” without anyone believing that they actually are. It’s that magical night when willingly adopting an indiscriminately promiscuous exterior somehow won’t cancel out the respect women demand in hetero-social spaces every other day of the year.

The wide array of “sexy” and “slutty” costumes has been a bizarre way that some women have expressed solidarity on Mischief Night. Alas, this commitment to blurry good times has come at the expense of creativity that could actually attract men with substance. So Marz Daily Media’s Halloween treat comes in the form of this installment of Thursday’s Top:

MDM’s Sexiest Halloween Costumes

Cleopatra

Classically sensual and sexually independent, Cleopatra is an easy choice for the lady looking to put her wild side into an intimidating and intoxicating context. You find a guy who’d rather go home with a pleather-clad nurse instead of a queen of Egypt portrayed by Sophia Loren, Elizabeth Taylor, Gina Torres, and Monica Bellucci, and I’ll show you a guy whose number you’ll want to block the next morning.

Rosie the Riveter

Sure, the imagery is old hat. And yes, the costume doesn’t allow for much latitude for styling hair. But you know what real men want? They want a women who are strong, confident, and capable of keeping a country going when the men run off and play the live-action version of Risk.

Alice Nelson

Does it get any more post-feminist than Alice? Sure, any woman can pull off a French maid costume with its built-in connotations. But if you can work an up-do and an unflattering blue jumper/apron combo, then sexy just went from dim-witted subordinate to mother-witted gitter of s___ done. And seriously, what better place to get s___ done than in the bedroom? You want to know how Alice really kept throwing her back out? Ask Sam the Butcher.

Any woman from HBO’s Rome

Think Cleopatra, only freakier. And not in that 3-day opium binge way, more like the spontaneous romp on a kitchen table sort of way. Rich or poor, those women made passion a priority.

Punky Brewster

Now read me out on this one: take the cuteness that made Punky America’s sweetheart, and graft that fun-loving spirit onto a consenting adult frame. Not creepy anymore, right? Oh shut up.

Pretty much any character Milla Jovovich has ever played

Between Alice (Resident Evil), Leeloo (The Fifth Element), and Joan of Arc (duh), Jovovich has kicked ass in three different millennia, making Jovovich the Ukraine’s greatest export. The numerous costume possibilities satisfy the female appetite for options without compromising the BQ (badass quotient). And Jovovich’s place on the bro radar will get more conversation than “buy you a drink?”

Jennifer Granholm

Remember when Sarah Palin made winking the most unappealing thing since Sarah Palin speaking? Well former Governor of Michigan Jennifer Granholm brought sexy back with a vengeance at this year’s Democratic National Convention with a bat of an eye, then followed it up by double fist pumping her way into the hearts of many liberal American men…all while wearing a PANTS SUIT. Ladies take notice: flashing your business isn’t the only way to get attention from guys they suspect that you’re probably a screamer, right Ms. Granholm?

Lana from ‘Archer’

Working a turtleneck sweater dress even close to how a curvy animated character does seems like a challenge women who eat could definitely get behind (men already are). It’s too bad that a cartoon has to be the place to see more reasonably shaped women on television, but hell, I’ll take it. That Lana kicks all kinds of ass is a sweet bonus, too.

Message to white women considering this costume: if you actually have a body like Lana’s, wearing brownface will be forgiven. But if the sisters see us together, I don’t know you.

Sarah Connor

 The scene in Terminator 2 where Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) is doing pull-ups in her cell told me at nine years old when a boner is supposed to happen. I can’t recall whether it did, but does it really matter if I remember that a woman with a first-class ticket to the gun show is still a woman? Didn’t think so.

Rachel Maddow

Let me finish. I’m not saying that I am personally taken with Rachel Maddow in that way. But if I got into a conversation with a woman who made that strong a costume decision, I might want to go home with her and see what else is going on. Deep discussion, that deep vee, and…well…yeah.

Last words

Contemporary popular women’s Halloween costumes seem to be a way to overcompensate for the collective body dysmorphia created by unreasonable depictions of beauty in the media. Sure, the costumes listed above emulate personalities and characters from that same media, but the differences confirm that we all need to dig a little deeper to find something (anything) that’s actually worth our time.

So as you crazy kids get ready to bastardize an age-old tradition in order to blowing off steam on a finer scale than usual, think about the women worth being, and the women worth being with. Would they grossly misrepresent a law enforcement officer, or would they destroy an army of zombies that grows increasingly tougher in every sequel? Would they wear a mini-skirt completely unacceptable for putting out fires, or would they verbally drown bigoted conservatives who have no concern for women’s rights?

Aspiring to be sexy doesn’t have to be traded in for a fun night, ladies. ‘Slutty’ costumes are a contradiction not worth your humanity, not even for one night. So have fun, be safe, and do whatever you like.

Last last words

As a man, I know I’m in no position to be a real arbiter of what women should ever wear. So if you’re looking for a real source for interesting Halloween costumes, be sure to check out http://takebackhalloween.org/. Careful out there.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s