WASHINGTON, D.C.—The cable news networks have been scrambling for clues about the Republican Party’s replacement for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election. The GOP’s banishment of the challenger this week came as no surprise after the latest brazen exhibitions of Romney’s preference to serve the country’s more affluent while cutting his political losses with the less fortunate majority. Although Romney is not expected to announce his withdrawal from the race until a substitute candidate has been confirmed, rumors of a ‘short list’ have kept the media busy pending Romney’s long-awaited press conference.

The GOP ‘s approach to this election’s reboot remains unclear, making it more difficult to predict a favorite among the suspected pool of fill-in hopefuls. If Republicans decide to double down on the economic ideals of the party with someone who is unapologetic in his eloquent manipulation of the truth, Paul Ryan is the favorite to step forward. But should the GOP decide to sway voters frightened by Republican stance on women’s rights of late, former Saturday Night Live cast member Victoria Jackson may assume the position as the supreme voice of the GOP’s more radical base. With Jackson, the strategy would be to mesh her unabashed traditional femaleness with the barbaric concept that rape is one of many gifts from God. And yet still, less extreme members of the GOP that recognize the ideological hole the candidates of the last few elections have dug present a more reasonable alternative: proceeding with no candidate at all, symbolically endorsing a head of lettuce, which has just as good a shot at winning as Romney or any other Republican candidate at this point.

When asked about what would happen if the head of lettuce were actually elected President, a Republican senator—who wished to remain anonymous—chuckled and said, “Like it matters. Washington gon’ keep gettin’ this money, you already know. Shout out to my nigga Yung Akin and the rest of the G Street Saltine Crew. Yo, this gon’ be on TV?”

Romney was unable to comment at length about these recent developments, simply saying “the words in my head have officially run out of ways to ruin me, but check back after the election when it REALLY doesn’t matter what comes out. It’s going to be a great holiday season for cable news, that’s for sure. And then you’ll really see how much I love this country.”