Magic GM Outsources Howard Hate Letter to Cavs Owner

Clearly, Dwight hasn’t seen the short documentary, “Kobe and Shaq: What Happens When You F___ With The Mamba.”

ORLANDO, FL—A dark cloud looms over central Florida in the wake of former Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard’s departure. Officially becoming a Los Angeles Laker this past weekend, Howard has slowly broken the hearts of Magic fans for the past few seasons, publicly announcing—then denying and announcing again—his desire to play elsewhere. And despite the firing of head coach Stan Van Gundy and general manager Otis Smith, Howard made clear that he had no faith in Orlando’s efforts to create a winning environment for him.

And now it appears that New Magic GM Rob Hennigan’s ego took a hit when Howard rejected Hennigan’s plea to give him a chance to right the Orlando ship. So in following the Management 101 rule of hiring people with experience in areas where you have none, Hennigan employed the services of Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert to draft a scathing open letter to Dwight Howard on behalf of all Magic fans that feel betrayed by the best center in the NBA.

“He offered, actually,” Hennigan said of Gilbert, “and I figured he’d be perfect for the job since he’d done it before.”

Gilbert’s open letter to LeBron James upon his signing with the Miami Heat in the summer of 2010 resulted in negative attention, which led to a collective lack of sympathy from all non-Cleveland fans for the abysmal play that ensued in the following season. The apparent backfire of Gilbert’s public rant has the sports media wondering if Hennigan’s decision to draft a similar message to Dwight Howard was wise.

With the team he’s sending out there this season, GM Hennigan may as well swap that suit for a uniform.

“ Look,” Hennigan responded, “you’ve seen our roster. It’s terrible. If we can’t make it to the playoffs this season or for the next several, the least we can do is get our hate on. If you ask me, Dwight brought this on himself and the whole world has seen him literally show his spineless true colors for the past year. Fast don’t lie, but apparently does flip-flops worse than Mitt Romney at a gay Republicans conference.”

Gilbert says that empathy prompted him to lend a hand in Orlando’s smear campaign against Howard: “In some ways, Orlando got it worse than we did in 2010. At least LeBron didn’t demand to be traded and then about it. With us, he was like a girlfriend you know is getting dolled up for some reason and who has every reason to leave, and it just hurts when she does. With Dwight, Orlando had that crazy broad who makes demands that you break your neck to satisfy. And when you do everything she asks, there’s always something else to complain about until she finds some rich guy with more famous friends than you. I mean, talk about a mindf___.”

Neither the Cavaliers nor the Magic are expected to win many games next season, so this latest act of bitterness may be the last time either team makes headlines until next spring’s NBA Draft Lottery.

Sources report that when trying to contact Dwight Howard for thoughts about Hennigan’s letter by proxy, Howard’s public relations team said that he would be unavailable to comment until he finished shooting his first lead role in a Hollywood blockbuster.

Kazaam 2: Genie in a Shadow is scheduled to release in the summer of 2013.

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