BOSTON, MA— The calm civility exhibited throughout Boston baffled tourists who had ventured into New England’s largest city yesterday for the profane antagonism that makes every trip to Boston more authentic. Unfortunately for those disappointed visitors, they arranged their trips before Mayor Thomas Menino doubled down on his recent crusade against intolerance last Friday by expelling all known racists from the city of Boston indefinitely.

Menino enlisted the help of the local National Guard to formally escort approximately 500,000 people from the city over the course of a few hours. As a result of the 80% drop in population, this Monday’s rush hour resembled the set of I Am Legend instead of a city that boasts four major universities and four major sports teams.

The dramatic change in population resulted in the state of Massachusetts revoking Boston’s cityhood deeming it a township on Monday morning, after an emergency census made the new count of 125,087 official.

Mayor Menino, unfazed by Boston’s downgraded status, defended his actions further in a press conference yesterday:

“The disenfranchisement of our working class and the baggage of our nation’s dark side (no pun intended) has led our city astray from the Cradle of Liberty that it once was. It is my goal to return us to the greatness that once spawned the revolution that made this what it is. I hope that other Mayors will join with Ron [Rahm Emanuel of Chicago], Vic [Vincent Gray of Washington, DC], and myself to show the United States and the entire world that it is the responsibility of the government to protect the human rights of all people in any way that we possibly can.”

Despite the trend of liberal cities speaking out against corporate bigotry of men such as Chick-Fil-A President Dan Cathy, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg publicly opposed the gesture, stating that it is not the government’s job to interfere with free enterprise on religious or political grounds.

In response to Bloomberg’s statement, Menino replied, “That Jew bastard can go screw! What does that money-worshipping, knish-loving wimp know about protecting human rights anyway? He sucks and the Yankees suck! The city of Boston loves every-f___ing-body!”