NEW YORK CITY—As thousands of America’s military servicemen swarmed the Big Apple in search of relaxation, good times, and reverence by civilians, the Occupy army stood in opposition of this time-honored tradition.
During Monday evening’s General Assembly, an all-male contingent of the country’s latest counterculture movement came forward against Fleet Week, citing their inability to compete for female companionship as a new injustice to “rival the US government’s failure to protect its citizens from the reckless behavior of the greedy.”
The main spokesperson for this effort, known only as Wind, verbally attacked the country’s men in uniform, unwittingly exposing his own insecurities:
“They show up well-groomed in their neatly pressed uniforms and automatically the women who claim to love a scruffy guy with a little meat around the midsection go all gaga because Popeye over there wants to buy them a drink…I haven’t been able to afford a drink since my parents cut me off for ‘being ridiculous.’ It’s just not fair. At least our struggle means something.”
Presumably due to OWS’s call-and-repeat message delivery system at GA, the fervor of Wind’s message did not pull through. However, it is difficult to determine whether the women of Occupy would have sympathized even if the message hadn’t been broken up into chunks, because 90% of female Occupiers abandoned the movement this past weekend to “get manhandled by someone who bathes regularly and doesn’t feel guilty about making a steady living,” according to one blonde, dreadlock-wearing woman who asked to remain anonymous.
Wind continued to say that Fleet Week should be outlawed because “if we continue to lose our women like this, then the country will be completely ruined.” He seems to believe that by succumbing to the “antiquated hero trope” of the United States naval officer, American liberal women will “backslide into a traditional role that they’ve been working for decades to escape.”
Marz Daily Media reporters were fortunate enough to find a female Occupier to respond to Wind’s claims on the bathroom line at the The 13th Step on 2nd Avenue. Rhiannon Goldfrapp, originally of Concord, New Hampshire, laughed at Wind’s statements, saying, “I think I speak for all women when I say that, every now and then, we all want to get laid by a manly man who doesn’t cry or apologize afterwards. If most of these sailors were as well read as the guys we live around everyday. Wind would be in real trouble. Then again, I’m not getting any younger; he and his bearded buddies still might be.”
Wind’s resolution for OWS to collectively oppose Fleet Week in perpetuity will undergo the same process as all other OWS resolutions. Consensus for or against should be reached by March of 2023.