CHELSEA, NYC—The NYPD prematurely called in the Hate Crimes Unit to investigate the beating that took place at BALLZ. After the chaos died down outside of New York City’s 2^nd most popular gay sports bar, witnesses reported that there were no heterosexuals involved in the altercation during which 12 men attacked BALLZ Manager Blake Wynn. Wynn suffered a severe concussion, a collapsed lung, a ruptured spleen, 9 broken ribs, a broken tibia, a shattered femur, a separated shoulder, and a cracked left orbital, and is in stable condition at Beth Israel Medical Center.

When questioned individually by police about the attack, all 12 assailants stated that Wynn had scammed them into buying drinks for someone who did not exist. They all went to the bar with the intention of meeting ‘Adonis143,’ a user they each located using Grindr, a mobile app that uses GPS technology to locate people interested in sexual encounters. ‘Adonis143’ messaged all 12 men, inviting them to meet at Ballz for a drink. When they arrived, they all received messages stating that ‘Adonis143’ was in the bathroom, but to order him a Cosmopolitan for when he returned. Alas, when ‘Adonis143’ never showed up, 1 Grindr user grew suspicious.

“I knew something was up when I saw all those Cosmos lining the bar,” said Carlos Phillippa (user name ‘Romeo9’). “I mean, at any other bar it would’ve made sense. But the WNBA Playoffs was on.”

Wynn’s trick became clearer when Phillippa messaged ‘Adonis143’ about whether he was okay in the bathroom, and Phillippa saw Wynn check his iPhone and send a message shortly thereafter. Phillippa felt that the “be right out” message he received from ‘Adonis143’ soon after Wynn had put his phone away was too much of a coincidence. Phillippa then witnessed several of the other patrons who had ordered Cosmos, which they weren’t drinking, would go to the bathroom and return confused.

“It was sort of incredible what happened next,” Phillippa said. What ensued was a series of looks exchanged between him and the other 11 patrons with warming Cosmos in front of them. “After a while we were all staring at the bartender, until one of us said, ‘GET HIM!’ Everything’s a blur after that.”

Using a system of blinks and nods, Wynn admitted that he had created the user name to attract more business, but he now regrets the ruse gone wrong, stating that “there are better ways to make money, like not getting the crap beaten out of you.”

Phillippa and the others don’t seem to be too worried about the consequences of the attack. “We went through something that can never be taken away from us. And I think that bond will make us all stronger.” While out on bail, they’ve commemorated their connection with a custom t-shirt reading, “We’re Here. For Beer. Get Used To It.”