Contributed by Jacqui Moore

Some people are calling it the Canine Spring, others the Spaniel Summer, but whatever you call it, it appears that the small dogs of America have begun to unite against their owners. The reason? Stupid dog outfits.

During the past several weeks, police stations all over the country have received a growing number of reports of small dogs attacking their owners. Many other owners have reported their small dogs missing. Although it hasn’t been confirmed, some people have suggested that the small dogs of America are tired of being dressed in ridiculous outfits and they just aren’t going to take it anymore.

“I came home after work last night and all of her outfits were ripped up, chewed up, just strewn everywhere, and she was nowhere to be found,” a teary Janet Roland, a Lexington, KY, native said, blowing her nose kind of disgustingly. Indeed, tattered dog costumes have been found in several homes of recently missing pooches.

“At first, I didn’t think much of it,” said George Haskins, an ER doctor in Portsmouth, OR, about the attacks. “We get the occasional dog bite, but when we started seeing three, four people a day—reporting that their small dog had attacked them—we started to suspect that they might be related, especially since many of them also said that the dog bit them while they were trying to ‘dress it for cute pictures.’”

Layin’ down the paw

Pit bulls traditionally have the bad reputation in the canine world, but it seems like weiner dogs may be the newest “bad boys” on the block. No one is quite sure how they’re communicating (perhaps at a frequency out of human range), but roving bands of schnauzers, spaniels, and shih tzus have been spotted from Seattle to Philadelphia, occasionally accompanied by larger, lean dogs, such as greyhounds and Weimaraners, which are also often dressed up by their owners. The dogs are terrorizing suburban and urban neighborhoods alike, peeing on flowerbeds, barking incessantly for hours on end, and biting the ankles and feet of anyone who comes near to them.

When asked to communicate with the small dog community and ask what’s going on, renowned pet psychic Carmen Sanchez responded, “These dogs are fed up. They’re supposed to be ‘man’s best friend,’ but what man tries to make his best friend look ridiculous?” When the obvious fallacy of this statement was pointed out to her, she just shrugged and took a long drag of her Virginia Slim. “Men are assholes. What can I say?”

Ann McGrabe, a 67-year-old retired schoolteacher, opened a closet in a guest bedroom of her home in Joplin, MO, to reveal that it was full to bursting with colorful crocheted dog sweaters, dresses, hats, and booties on tiny hangers. “My little Mr. McPoochalot went missing 3 weeks ago,” she said with tears in her eyes, about her missing bijon frise. “And after I’ve spent so much of my time crocheting this beautiful wardrobe for him. I just don’t understand why he would leave me after so many wonderful years together.”

James Cantle, the spokesperson for the newly formed Animal Respect Foundation (ARF) said, “The revolt of these dogs does not surprise me at all. Just because these animals are 10, 20 pounds—less than 5% of the size of the average American—does not mean that they don’t deserve to be treated with respect, and who is going to respect an animal wearing a tu-tu? No one. Not even other dogs.”

“As in all other cases, the animals cannot defend themselves, so we are here to speak on their behalf. Stop dressing your small dogs in outfits that make them look ridiculous! If your dog is a reflection of you, then you look ridiculous, too. Think about that. Think about what your dog says about you, and then think about getting a dog that doesn’t look like a cream puff with a snout. Because Lord knows, most of you don’t need any more cream puffs.”

Under ARF’s mandate, owners whose dogs are found have to sign a contract stating they will no longer dress their dogs in clothes and must hand over any and all dog clothes in their possession before they are allowed to have their small dog back. Owners must also consent to random inspections of their homes for itsy bitsy contraband clothing.

ARF is working with PETA and Animal Control to get the gangs of small, defenseless dogs off the streets and place them in good homes with people who have no interested in putting them in tiny bee costumes. “It has been somewhat difficult,” remarked Cantle, “to find good homes for these small creatures. Turns out that most reasonable people with no interest in dressing dogs like baby dolls are also not interested in owning a small dog. But if we are ever going to change the perception of the small dog being frou-frou, we have to start somewhere, and that somewhere is by not dressing them up like they’re some kind of replacement for a human child.”

PETA, in its usual style, has bought billboard space in the 5 largest cities across the country. The billboards show a forlorn miniature English bulldog in a princess costume, complete with a Velcro wand attached to her paw.  “You may think it’s cute, but doggie outfits are abuse. Stop the degradation of America’s small dogs. Text PETA (#7382) to donate $10 to stop the abuse now.” In addition, a first of its kind reverse class-action lawsuit has been filed by PETA against an unnamed large number of American small dog owners for “abuse, degradation, and endangering the psychological welfare of the small dog(s) under their care.”

Jacqui Moore is a writer and editor living in Brooklyn, New York. Her blog, Hate Haiku, filters everyday grievances through a poetic lens for you to enjoy during your own mildly troubled lives.