Facebook: “Have Standards, People”

The following article comes from guest author Jacqui Moore. Marz Daily Media thanks Jacqui for her in-depth and timely coverage of the most important social issue of our time.

PALO ALTO, CA—Indeed, the end is nigh for friendsluts. You know, the people you meet once who friend you, only to show up on your newsfeed to annoy you with how irrelevant their lives are.Now, you can tell the people you are unfriending what you really think of their minute-by-minute status updates (thanks to Facebook, I now know what a mucus plug is, and how rude), all with the anonymity that makes the Internet great.

In light of recent reports that people realistically can only maintain stable relationships with about 150 people, and because Facebook knows what is best for you, the company will issue a new set of guidelines known as “Friend QC.” In addition to “providing a digital environment in which friendships can be most meaningful,” Facebook will also help to alienate unsavory or low-quality friends who just aren’t any good for users.

The first of the new measures will be new friend acceptance criteria. Not only will you have to check off a box indicating your relationship to the other person (yes, like in the good old days), you also may be asked to identify him or her in several randomly selected photos. If you indicate that you’ve known the person for any length of time, you will have to recount a personal anecdote involving you and that person. People who have just met will have to name three things that the two have in common. (Note: “Sex in the bathroom at a club” doesn’t count. “Glee parties” does. Go figure.)

Facebook will also be rolling out a new checklist of reasons for friendship refusal. The list includes:

  1. This person hated me/bullied me/was horrible to me  in elementary school/high school/college.
  2. We had sex once, and I never want to speak to him/her again.
  3. I have no recollection of that time that person is talking about.
  4. We do not, in fact, have that thing in common.
  5. This person is creepy.

The list goes on, but Facebook is pretty sure number 1 is going to cover 95% of friendship refusals.

Even HE knows how wrong this is. Why don't you, friendslut?

In addition to new friending measures, new unfriending criteria will also go into effect. When one wants to unfriend someone, he or she will again be presented with a checklist. The list includes:

  1. Too many status updates discuss the bodily functions of “friend’s” child(ren).
  2. Too many status updates annoy, anger, or otherwise bum me out.
  3. Am jealous because “friend’s” life is so much better than mine.
  4. “Friend” pissed me off in real life.
  5. I am pretty sure God is sending “friend” to hell, and I don’t want Him to get us confused.
  6. This person does not share my likes/dislikes/religious beliefs/political agenda/sexual orientation/passion for Twilight and/or Harry Potter.
  7. We used to screw, and now I hate him/her.
  8. I just couldn’t care less about this “friend.”

Once this checklist is completed, Facebook will send the former “friend” in question a message listing the reasons why he or she has been unfriended (without disclosing the identity of the unfriender, of course).

Mary Cziewski, a 46-year-old mother of 4 from Benton, Iowa, was outraged when she heard about the new measures. “What kind of pinko commie bulls___ is this? This is America! I should be able to friend anyone I want, even if I have no interest in actually being friends with them.” Cziewski, whose interests include cats and Michael Bublé, admits to friending people from high school “to see how fat they’ve gotten and, you know, just to generally feel better about my own life.”

When faced with the question of how Facebook will handle the backlash, CEO Mark Zuckerberg responded, “Let’s be honest—these people aren’t your friends,” he said as one of his minions marked “friends” with air quotes. “There’s maybe one guy you could call in the middle of the night to bail you out of jail, but you see him all the time in real life anyway.”

Zuckerberg uses this Macbook for shopping on Amazon.com...and that's ALL he uses it for.

“Having so many friends is a false sense of validation,” Zuckerberg continued while typing away on his MacBook made of diamonds. “As though the number of friends you have on Facebook is the number of people who actually like you. It’s just not true. What we’re trying to do here is recreate the real-world friend experience in the digital space, where so many people spend most of their time. You wouldn’t sit and listen to someone talk about her kid’s explosive diarrhea if she wasn’t your friend in real life would you? Well, now you don’t have to do it on Facebook, either.”

And when asked about the feelings of all of the newly rejected a-holes who never knew why people hated them before, Zuckerberg said (without mercy), “Think of it as a public service. Now maybe they’ll think twice before they beat someone up for their lunch money and toss me head first into a dumpster that smells like rotting vomit.”

Jacqui Moore is a writer and editor living in Brooklyn, New York. Her blog, Hate Haiku, filters everyday grievances through a poetic lens for you to enjoy during your own mildly troubled lives.

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