NCAA Declares War on ‘Beer and Wings’ Nights

INDIANAPOLIS—In the wake of the most unwatchable collegiate national basketball championship game in decades, Mark Emmert, first-year President of the National Collegiate Athletic Association, has launched an offensive to protect what he calls “the integrity of amateur sports.” This morning, the NCAA served Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar with a lawsuit for tampering.

For events unrelated to last night’s brutal showing, the NCAA claims that Buffalo Wild Wings is remotely controlling game outcomes, as evidenced in their ad campaign featuring sports fans looking to prolong their nights out. Emmert said, “this kind of behavior is unacceptable. It is a shame that we are forced to fight unbridled commercialism in order to protect the 400,000+ student-athletes that we serve. Using our sprinkler systems to trip football players is treachery to the nth degree.”

Blaming a restaurant for overtime games is as silly as a buffalo with wings.

Sally Smith, CEO and President of Buffalo Wild Wings, fired back when approached for comment. “That’s rich,” she said, almost laughing, “leave it to the people who exploit kids for millions of dollars to point fingers at the reason why they can. Integrity my ear hole! It’s just a commercial!”

Smith went on to say that although the claims are completely absurd, she refuses to forfeit the opportunity to call the NCAA out on what she calls “a hormone-fueled money factory”. “We are just as likely to have control over football field sprinkler systems as the NCAA has on ruining the professional careers of aspiring athletes because of some violation that makes no sens—oh wait, bad example.”

The mudslinging is sure to continue until the case goes to court in June. CBS, ESPN and truTV have already refused to air the proceedings on the grounds of a conflict of interest.

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