NEW YORK, NY—The Black Friday shopper is no stranger to the chaos that ensues when stores offer their best bargains of the year. Human stampedes get reported every year at such dens of commercialism as Wal-Mart and Target.
But this year, unexpectedly, the violence on the day after Thanksgiving crept into the realm of high fashion. Reports continue to trickle in about a rash of organized assaults on women seen buying horrible shoes. To date, 16 women have come forward to claim that the ‘taste was slapped out’ of their mouths as they left shoe stores with their purchases.
The person behind the serial slappings has proudly come forward (with her face covered) via Youtube, calling her group NYAB, which stands for Need Your Ass Beat. The leader of the group, known only as ‘Prada Bytch,’ claimed responsibility for all of the beatings and issued a warning to the fashion ‘victims’ the NYAB has yet to encounter..
“Let it be a notice to all of you bitches out there who think all this crazy stuff is cute; if you get caught out there, NYAB will find you. And trust me, you don’t want us to find you…because you will get your ass beat,” said Ms. Bytch.
The police reports suggest that the NYAB has at least 16 members, as the times and places render one person committing multiple slappings impossible. NYPD Commissioner Raymond Kelly has taken this slapping spree very seriously, as evidenced by his statement to the press this afternoon:
“While I’m relieved that this violence has not been more severe, I want to warn all New Yorkers about the kinds of shoes that have been targeted in these beatings in the interest of public safety. One commonality we’ve deduced is the unconventional incorporation of a multiple-inched heel. And although the cold weather is upon us, women are advised that they should avoid shoes that make them look like Wookies from the calf down until we catch all of the NYAB. But let me make one thing clear: I will not accept vigilante fashion justice of any kind, and fashion terrorism will not be tolerated. This isn’t Milan; this is New York f______ City!”
Anonymous sources within the NYPD have little hope that the NYAB members will deter women from the enchantment of new shoes. “I know [Commissioner Kelly] means well,” said the officer, “but he obviously doesn’t know women if he thinks getting slapped around will keep them from shopping. I mean, women be shopping; nothing we can do about that.”