Two weeks ago, the Village Voice’s blog I Really Do Heart New York featured an article called “50 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Live in New York City,” reminding New York residents that they have little to complain about when living one of the most advanced and influential cities in the world. It was an intelligent response to the entitled and ungrateful city dwellers with an everyday axe to grind.
Perhaps being a native New Yorker precludes me from embracing the novel charm of the city. While I appreciate many of the items listed in the Voice article, my first criticism was that euphoria seems a bit strong to associate with the many admittedly uncommon conveniences that New York offers. Maybe I’m made of sand on the inside…or maybe I’m just a hater (most likely the latter).
So for the people with whom Jen Doll’s blog post did not resonate, rest assured that Marz Daily Media has you covered with the flipside of living in The Big Apple, with 25 Reasons To Be Pretty Damn Depressed You Live In New York City.
25. All the damn plaid. Apparently, most people between 22 and 40 love to dress like starving lumberjacks.
24. Having to exit your home to meet a pizza delivery; seriously, Papa John’s delivery guy, no one wants to steal your rag’ly-assed car.
23. Musicians become your subway captors as they perform poorly for you against your will.
22. The rube tourists who encourage these ear terrorists by clapping
21. All the men who think every attractive woman is named ‘Ma’ are creepy. Fellas, you do realize these are women you want to sleep with, right?
20. Times Square has lost all of its charm. I’ll take strung out hookers and deadbeat heroine addicts over the M&Ms store any day.
19. The outside of the Abercrombie & Fitch store on 5th Avenue is set up like a night club, complete with velvet rope…and people actually wait on line to go in. Behold! Your reason to commit arson!
18. The G train, as in good luck depending on this abysmal line
17. The L train, because late doesn’t even begin to describe how awful this train is
16. The F train…‘Fail’ comes to mind
15. The R train…there’s no surprise that people call it the ‘Rarely’
14. The N train…remember the ‘Rarely’ train? Meet the ‘Never.’
13. The E train, because EVERY homeless person uses this line like a Motel 6
12. The 7 train, representing the level of hell that you enter when trying to get to a Mets game
11. Weeks can pass before you talk to another person who’s actually from New York. One day, I would have thought I was in Vermont if not for the homeless guy who tried to sell me The Onion…THAT S___ IS FREE!!! Only in New York.
10. For some reason, people wait until they’re blocking the subway turnstile before they take a minute to get their Metrocards out. It seems like they intentionally take more time when you can hear the train pulling in. Would that they were in front of that train.
9. The lunch you buy from a deli in Brooklyn will cost you three times as much in Manhattan.
8. The Apple Store, where dozens of ‘geniuses’ can only honor their title by making you feel like a loser when we all know that real geniuses don’t work in retail.
7. July, the month where we all walk around inside of a mouth
6. August, the month where that mouth develops morning breath
5. Children expect you to compensate them for performing an uninspired dance routine that’s been passed down for over 10 years. Imagine male Rockettes without the costumes, energy or hope.
4. The cost/benefit ratio of a romantic date is debatably comparable to an illicit one. Er…this isn’t from personal experience…er…just sayin’.
3. New Yorkers are expected to subsidize mental illness and poor life choices by depositing money in the variety of cups being shaken by people who are mentally ill and/or made poor life choices.
2. New York offers 31-derful fragrances of filth, many of which are modeled by its homeless. Blends include Sweet Pee, Whiskey Laundry and Instant Retch.
1. New York is a brunch city. F___ that.
A Postscript For The Sensitive
The items you just read were truthful gripes about living in New York City, but it’s obviously in the interest of a laugh. I would have to try pretty hard to come up with 50 reasons that New York is depressing, might even have to make up some s___. So, yeah, New York is my home, and I love it, too (heart is not a verb, ninnies). But I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to pose a playful rebuttal to the people who gush about New York. Sometimes I’m just a hater like that.