Regional Facebook Headlines Cause Nationwide Stir

Online social networking powerhouse Facebook firmly established its ubiquity with the release of “The Social Network,” the hit movie about the creators of the website that has turned into a multi-billion-dollar enterprise since 2004.

Although social networking has permeated all aspects of life (including marketing, religion and politics), recent headlines suggest that there is a clear downside to the access that Facebook facilitates between users. The following collection of stories demonstrates how websites like Facebook may be ruining more relationships than they form.

Woman Sues ‘Friend’ For Skipping Party

Who knew that Facebook would wipe those smiles off?

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI—Receptionist Wanda Simms was visibly shocked as she held a subpoena that had been served to her while drinking coffee at her desk this morning. Her surprise only compounded when she learned that the lawsuit against her was from her friend and co-worker Charlene Daniels.

Daniels is suing Simms for failure to honor an agreement of attendance. Daniels claims that Simms replied ‘I’m Attending’ to a Facebook invitation for her 30th birthday party at Houlihan’s. “I was upset when she didn’t show,” Daniels said. “I take my Facebook invites very seriously, and she didn’t even have an excuse. She didn’t even apologize, so I decided to take action.”

Simms’s subpoena states that the case can be settled by agreeing to take Daniels to lunch at Houlihan’s on a date of her choosing. “I’m not sure why she would want that after all this,” Simms said after the initial shock subsided. “I was trying not to be rude by saying I’d go to her stupid party. But now I don’t even care. She’s in for a hell of a lunch if she wins. What a bitch.”

Sketchy Facebook Messages Cost Mom Custody

BILLINGS, MONTANA—A vicious custody battle between Charles McWhinnie and ex-wife Janice Sherman ended abruptly when Charles’s lawyer presented evidence that Janice has made inappropriate advances to their eldest son’s 18-year-old best friend Todd Wilkes via Facebook.

Doesn't seem like she cares much at all

Judge Travis Washington threw out Janice’s petition to keep custody of their two younger children when he saw printouts of suggestive messages between her and Wilkes. “You have to admit, Ms. Sherman. There’s no way to explain your way out of comments that came from you about a teenaged boy in a swimsuit like, ‘Sexy’ and ‘I’d hit that,’ said Judge Washington in yesterday’s hearing. “Your inappropriate comments can only spell trouble in the development of those younger ones. I pray for them both.”

Judge Washington also ordered that Sherman remove her Facebook profile and refrain from using the site at all if she wanted to appeal her case in a year. When asked if she could do that, Janice took a deep breath and said, “Yes,” but her hesitation was a bad sign recognized by all in attendance.

Online Break-ups Cause Rise in Violence

"Even an email would have been fine, shawty."

ATLANTA, GEORGIA—Further investigation of a string of domestic disputes is pointing at social networking site Facebook as the source of the violence. A staggering 80% of people charged with domestic abuse in the greater Atlanta area have reported that the dispute that led to their arrest stemmed from their counterparts changing their facebook relationship status from ‘In a relationship’ to ‘Single’ without their knowledge.

Apparently, Atlanta is the wrong place to be the last person to know that your relationship is over, because it could get you cut.

Facebook Ruins High School Reunion

SMYRNA, DELAWARE—“A waste of time” was the chorus overheard by the Smyrna High School alumni who attended their ten-year reunion last week. The catching up that typically happens at these events all over the country was rendered unnecessary since everyone in attendance had long since become Facebook friends.

There is a such thing as knowing too much

“It’s not as much fun coming back to find out who got fat when you already know,” said Shelly Bainbridge, former cheerleader who now works for the local news. “I mean, like, it’s like the Internet really ruined this weekend for me.”

Similar sentiments were felt from the other side of the social spectrum. Herman Mulwray, voted ‘Most Likely to Never Score,’ raged over the lackluster response to his improved physique and tan. “This is bulls___! I wanted it to be like on TV, when you show up and all the hot girls whisper and you get to take one home.” Mulwray went on to admit that he played a paradoxical role in his dashed fantasy: he makes 200k a year working for Facebook.

The Smyrna Class of 2000 reunion wasn’t without its typical highlights, but everyone was clearly apologetic when asking, “So, what have you been up to?” because they all knew that it was a stupid question.

Other headlines around the country

STUDY: Depression Rates Spike When ‘Photo Memories’ Shows Exes

Comedians Seeing Less Comedy Due to Excessive Event Invitations

Facebooking Rises As Bingo Attendance Falls

STUDY: People With Babies Unfriended The Most

Man Arrested For Inaccurate Doppelganger Pic

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