New Book Says Urban Mating Will End The World

Allen: "What looks like a joke could mean the end of us all."

NEW YORK, NY—We have all seen couples that make us wonder, “How in the hell did that happen?” But the theories in a new book suggest that there may be cause to worry over the increase in unlikely pairings.

Some audacious claims about the future of the species have been published in Darwin Is Dead, And We’re Next. The author, amateur anthropologist Beauregard U. Allen, says that the long-term effects of new coupling trends in America’s more progressive cities, mainly New York, will have catastrophic evolutionary consequences.

“When most people see an young, attractive woman in the arms of a pasty, scrawny, sissified fellow with glasses and a beard, they see an unlikely story that only happens in the comedy films,” Allen writes. “But what I see is the proliferation of a weakened species.”

Allen: "What good is a future that our children can't even see?!"

Early reviews of Allen’s work suggest that he is not so much an anthropologist as much as a bitter man with an axe to grind and who has failed to adjust to new dating trends and the ascent of hipster culture. Nonfiction critic Noah Weatherlee suspects that Allen’s hypothesis comes from a place beyond scientific study.

“In the Darwin Is Dead’s introduction, , it reads ‘Time was you could work with your hands and be tough and guarantee to get fine woman. Now you have to be in an obscure band or have a blog or tweet about your feelings on your iPhone,’” Weatherley recounts. “That sounds like a pretty specific guy he has in mind. He probably got it in his mind to write this book based on some loss of his own.”

Whether Allen has some biased perspective on the people he talks about in his book has yet to be confirmed, but some of his chapter titles may shed light upon whom Allen is blames for the imminent downfall of humanity. Chapter titles include:

  • Since When Was 20/20 Vision a Bad Thing?
  • The Subway Train and The Extra Long Scarf: A Widowmaking Combination
  • His Sad Music Can’t Fight A-Bombs
  • Men Who ‘Brunch’ Will Die First
  • He Might Work for Google, But Can He Kick My Ass?
  • You Can’t Outrun the Zombies in Them Hella Tight Pants
Allen: "Unless that vest is bulletproof, the terrorists have won."

Sales reports for Darwin Is Dead, And We’re Next have been understandably dismal, especially since the majority of people most likely to appreciate Allen’s theories neither read nor live in major cities. But the irony of his failed attempt to teach humanity of its self-induced de-evolution might be just enough to garner the readership of the very people he is speaking out against.

When asked about whether he’d be pleased if all walks of life read his book, Allen said, “Probably wouldn’t happen anyway. I ain’t releasing the thing on no Kindle or anything like that. What nerd decided to name a book after some fire-related term? If that ain’t some hipster s___, I don’t know what is!”

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