M. Night Shyamalan: Worst Girlfriend Ever

Typically, I would be plug a movie that opens today. The only feature opening on Friday, July 2 is “The Last Airbender,” a visually stunning adaptation of an animated series of similar name. The effects look excellent, and the cast includes Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mondvi and Dev Patel, star of Slumdog Millionaire. It’s nice to see some love for the brown in the movie, especially since the characters in the cartoon appear to be of Asian origin. These factors should be enough for me to get on board the July 4th bandwagon and check out one of the few blockbusters of the summer (are there even any others?).

Alas, I saw the full title of the movie: “M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender.” Seeing Shyamalan’s brand on this movie gave me the same faux-vomitous reaction as when I saw Megan in the Jonah Hex trailer…except there was more rage this time around. See, M. Night Shyamalan’s major body of work spans back to 1999, giving me over ten years to endure his movies. And every movie has been worse than the next, with his trademark ending-with-a-twist resulting in ever-diminishing returns. Before “The Last Airbender” came onto my radar, I’d already washed my hands of anything Shyamalan touched, but it’s been a long eleven years that I equate to a drawn-out, self-destructive relationship with a woman.

So today, The Friday Trailer will chronicle my eleven years with M. Night Shyamalan, marking his films as milestones in a hypothetical relationship. I hope you enjoy…and feel my pain.

“The Sixth Sense” (1999)

I meet M. She’s mysterious, and I just have to know what her deal is. I find out. Turns out she’s pretty cool. I think this might just work out.

“Unbreakable” (2000)

Things are going okay. We’ve been together a little while, but M’s baggage starts to come out in awkward situations, like the time she starts crying at the video store. But hey, she didn’t have to come with me to the video store and she did it anyway. So that’s cool. She never tells me what she was crying about, though, no matter how much I ask.

“Signs” (2002)

M begins wearing sweatpants…a lot. All the sexy stuff she used to wear has somehow disappeared. I still go to the gym on a regular basis, but she doesn’t go anymore. Instead, she sits on my couch and reads Us Weekly and eats Doritos. I had no idea she even liked Doritos. She’s also quit her job, so I’m carrying us both financially. Carrying her physically is much tougher these days. This kind of sucks.

“The Village” (2004)

M’s gets pretty frisky one night out of nowhere, which is nice. She still wears sweatpants, but this pair has words on the butt. I guess that’s something. We are having a fun romp until she gets way too familiar with my rectum. I ask her why she did that. She doesn’t answer, just does a weird goblin dance. I laugh because it’s funny. I forgive her, but I know we won’t last much longer. I’m going broke paying her way.

“Lady in the Water” (2006)

I go away with my friends for the weekend. M calls me many times, mostly to complain about how she has no money. After a while, I lose my patience and tell her not to call me anymore. She doesn’t listen. Drunkenly, I throw my phone in the river. I get back to the city and suggest we spend time apart.

“The Happening” (2008)

All of my friends plead with me not to get back with M. It’s been a while, and I am starting to move on. But she comes over one night, and I felt badly sending her away in the rain…the next morning, I wake up next to her, realizing that she is the complete waste of time that my friends told me she was…and that I suspected her to be since 2002.

“The Last Airbender” (2010)

I’m walking down the street when I see a woman in front of me who looks incredibly sexy. I try to get a closer look without being too obvious. At the crosswalk, I walk up beside her and see her face. It’s M. She smiles and says, “Hello.” I suck my teeth, say, “Oh hell!” and walk away. I refuse to fall for into that trap again. She tries to follow me, but I take off running, making sure my wallet is safe.

Note to readers–If you’re wondering why the Shyamalan movies have not been hyperlinked in standard Marz Daily Media fashion, it’s because I won’t be a party to you learning more about these movies. If you live the rest of your life without seeing an M. Night Shyamalan movie, you’ll have roughly 14 hours to do something better with your life than I did. You’re welcome.

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