OSSINING, NEW YORK—Siren lights from fire trucks could still be seen at Sing Sing Correctional Facility from across the Hudson River last night. The trucks responded to a call from correctional officers reporting that a fire had broken out during what has now been reported as a riot, which has left three inmates and two correctional officers with minor injuries and one inmate in solitary confinement.
The details about the outbreak of inmate violence did not become clear until 3rd Assistant Chief Tim Krizminski detected that the fire started in the prison’s computer room. And as a maven for current events, Krizminski made the connection that the destroyed computer equipment was a response to the University of Phoenix announcing that they would no longer offer Urban Pharmaceuticals courses, online or otherwise.
The man authorities are alleging started the riot, Herbert Mayo (a.k.a. Ski King), further confirmed Krizminski’s theory as he shouted from his new sell in isolation:
“N_____s want to have something to go back to when they get out, and University of Phoenix wants to keeps a n____ down! What the f___ is a n____ supposed to do when he can’t even get an MBA in ‘Hood Negotiation? Phoenix [is] the only school with that f______ program. First the state of Arizona [is] trying to lock up all the Mexicans, and now this! Let me the f___ out of here! I’ll do it again!”
Informal testimony by respected inmate Shabazz Shabazz Shabazz both justified the outbreak:
“The men held captive here have been working to improve themselves under the most oppressive circumstances. So when they are confronted with a hindrance to that improvement, it is only natural for them to revert to more primitive methods of justice.”
Despite the University of Phoenix’s status as a private institution (with no influence on state legislation), the office of University President Bill Pepicello posted a series of Twitter messages expressing their regret that such violence would stem from a change made by the university:
Tweet 1: “We are deeply saddened by the violence at Sing Sing. Our thoughts and prayers go to the inmates and officers who were hurt.”
Tweet 2: “Cutting Urban Pharmacology was a tough decision, made even tougher after an incident like what happened at Sing Sing.”
Tweet 3: “Psych! It’s been hard enough for U of Phoenix to be respected among institutions of higher learning. We’re sorry, but not THAT sorry.”
According to some participants in the riot, ‘Hood Negotiation is not the only course that they will miss due to the cutbacks. Kitchen Chemistry, Snitch Resolution and Laundry Science were mentioned as important to their futures on the outside. ‘Mouse’ Montana cried through his tear-gassed eyes, saying, “without the formal training I can get online, there’s no way that I can secure a stable future for my children. I’ve never even met any of them!”
The Warden of Sing Sing Correctional Facility was not present for comment, but he did send his secretary a tweet from his night class at Pace University/Westchester regarding the incident: “still in anmal husbndry sheep r so gay lolz.”
Other prisons nationwide have preemptively added manpower to computer areas to prevent repeat occurrences. To date, no other online university has emerged to offer an Urban Pharmaceuticals program.