A 7th Grader Reviews “Cheerleader Camp”

So, like, there’s this cheerleader right, and she’s doing cheers in this stadium, but it’s empty so you know it’s a dream because, like, the music and the voices are, like, echoing and stuff. And then random people start showing up and leaving, like her dad and he boos her and stuff and then she’s all sad. And, no lie, she straight comes out and says, “I need love.” So they’re telling you she’s crazy.

And then she wakes up in a van with some other cheerleaders and there’s a fat dude and Leif Garrett is there, too. That’s when I knew it was, like, college cheerleaders because Leif Garrett looked like 30 or something. He used to be that singer before. So anyway-oh yeah! The girl from “Breakin’” is in the van, too. That kind of bummed me out because this movie is so beneath her, you could tell already.

Anyway, they show up to this camp, right? And there are other cheerleaders already practicing moves and stuff. And the fat guy has a camera and he’s videotaping all these girls that definitely won’t like him because he’s fat. But no one ever tells him he’s fat. That’s just wrong. I would want my friends to tell me to lose some weight, or at least tell me not to be a cheerleader. Like, how many moves can he do, right? What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, the van, right? And Crazy Girl is all staring off and the rest of her friends leave with their bags to go unpack or whatever and then the homeless guy from “Back to the Future” shows up. He’s hilarious. They want you to think he’s creepy, you know, but he’s like the worst red herring in the book because he’s hilarious and old. He carries her bag to the cabin and then you don’t see him for a while. Nice try.

It's not cool to show your fat friend how skinny you are.

So yeah, Leif Garrett is walking around with Fat Boy and they’re looking at the girls and stuff. And Leif is all flirting with this blond one, and Crazy Girl is all mad because he’s her boyfriend or whatever and she runs away all sad like in the dumb dream. Did I mention she’s addicted to pills? No? Yeah, she takes pills. And she has more dreams, and they’re dumb, too.

Then they all go to this lake or something and they’re all sitting on rocks in bikinis, and Fat Boy is filming them from the bushes like the fat perv he is. And the girls are all hatin’ on the other cheerleaders. And then one of Crazy Girl’s friends takes her bikini top off and is all “what now, biatch?” to the blond one Leif Garrett was messing with. Check this out: the chick that took her bra off did pornos back then. I think she still does, and that was, like, 20 years ago. Woof.

This is before they knew somebody wanted to kill them all.

Then Crazy Girl’s taking a nap, but it looks like she’s having one of those dreams when you wake up but you’re still asleep, you know? And she leaves her cabin and walks over to another one and the blond that Leif Garrett was flirting with is in there on a bed with her wrists cut. But her mouth has blood coming out of it, so that’s dumb because that wouldn’t happen…Yeah, so Crazy Girl never wakes up because the girl is really dead. Don’t ask me why Crazy Girl thought to go over to that cabin because she didn’t seem to be the “stay away from my man” type in the first place. Anyway, she finds her and then Back to the Future Bum sees the body and so does the woman who runs the camp. But then, it’s ridiculous because there are kids at the door just looking at the dead body and the camp director is all calm, talking about “show’s over; nothing to see here,” like it was some kid who’d peed his pants or something. Fail. What kind of adult handles a situation this poorly?

I’m not even done, man. She makes all the kids leave and Crazy Girl leaves, too, but Back to the Future Bum is there with the body and the creepy cook dude is by the door. And the camp director starts to get worried and the Bum is all, “I’ll handle it.”

Then, like…oh yeah! The director of the camp says the girl had killed herself and it was because she had inner demons and that made Crazy Girl scared because she’s crazy. But then Special K from “Breakin’” is the only one who’s Crazy Girl’s friend. The other three girls don’t care. Oh yeah. One of them’s the hot chick from “Teen Wolf,” but she’s a nice person in this.

And then Leif Garrett and Fat Boy are rapping terribly and they expect to win the cheerleading contest. I don’t know what that’s all about. It was pathetic. And then Leif Garrett and the one who did porn get together and Crazy Girl gets mad because Leif Garrett disses her in front of everybody since she won’t give him any because she’s been crazy.

This is not even Leif Garrett's girlfriend.

Then Porno Girl gets stabbed in the back of the head with some hedge clippers or pruning shears or something. And the blades come out of her mouth. That was crazy. She died.

Then Special K wears the alligator suit for the cheerleading team…like…she’s the mascot and she got in a fight with the camp director because she didn’t want to eat a sandwich with the alligator head on because it was too hard to get it through the nose hole. She had a point; that’s ridiculous. Alligators don’t even eat sandwiches.

Anyway, the contest is that night and the Porno Girl is dead so no one knows where she is. And Crazy Girl found the girl who they said committed suicide in the deep freezer. The camp director told the creepy cook and the bum to put her in there and not tell the cops. And then Crazy Girl told the Sherriff, but then the camp director had sex with him and so he didn’t do anything about it. Fat Boy caught them on tape having sex and played it right before the contest started and the camp director was embarrassed.

He was mad they spilled his whiskey. "I hope you DIIIIIIE!"

Crazy Girl’s team goes even though Porno Girl is missing, and they don’t do that awful rap from earlier, but then Fat Boy falls off the stage and into Back to the Future Bum, and he gets mad. It’s hilarious. He actually says, “I hope you diiiiiiie.” They want you to think he has been killing people, but he’s already drunk, so you know he didn’t do anything. He’s just an old bum who drinks and is creepy.

One of the other girls, not the one from “Teen Wolf,” gets mad because no one wants to go look for Porno Girl; they just want to be in the contest. Anyway, she leaves and finds her dead, but then the van that they came to camp in drove into her and pinned her against a tree, and then she was dead.

Then Leif Garrett, Fat Boy, Crazy Girl, Special K and “Teen Wolf” Chick go looking for Porno Girl and the Other One and then the Bum goes out with his gun because the camp director is drunk and can’t find kids like that. And when the Bum finds Leif Garrett, he shoots his gun in the air and tells them all to go back to the after-party. They ran away from him and then they find the dead girls. Leif Garrett says the Bum killed them because the Bum is crazy and has a gun. Leif Garrett is stupid because it’s obvious that neither of the girls was shot to death and the Bum also didn’t shoot them. He’s so dumb. Then he hatches a plan to go to the work shed where the Bum gets his tools…man, this movie sucks…and then he rigs a bear trap to fall on someone’s head when they walk in. And then they kill the Sherriff because he walked in there. That was a mistake because they killed a policeman and he probably would’ve helped them. But he was an idiot, so probably not.

He wasn't going to help them anyway.

So yeah, the Sherriff is dead and they still think the Bum is the killer. So they take the Sherriff’s gun and go looking for him. Then Special K shoots him like a pro. Leif Garrett shot him, too but he didn’t die from that because Leif Garrett can’t shoot right and he doesn’t sing in the movie, just raps. That’s dumb, right?

Oh yeah, Crazy Girl is crying a lot because she thinks she might have killed all the girls because she’s crazy, but people keep telling her that that’s crazy. Even Leif Garrett is nice to her now.

Check this out, though-oh wait. I told you that Fat Boy got killed, too, right? I didn’t? Oh. Yeah he got killed when he was videotaping himself peeing in the woods. Leif Garrett went to find him and only found the camera. So they watched the tape to see what happened. I think the killer gutted him or something, but I might just be thinking that because he was fat and it would be, like, ironic or something.

So almost everybody is dead now. Only Teen Wolf, Leif Garrett, Special K and Crazy Girl are alive. Even the camp director got killed. She was drunk and the killer killed her. And now they are happy because they think they got the killer. Leif Garrett starts serving drinks to celebrate, even though his friends are dead. I guess he doesn’t care, and that doesn’t even make sense.

Then Teen Wolf goes to use the phone to call some other cops, and Special K goes after her after she takes too long. Then Special K comes back and tells Leif Garrett and Crazy Girl that she couldn’t find Teen Wolf. So Leif Garret isn’t happy anymore because he has to put his champagne down and go see where Teen Wolf is. And when he leaves, Special K tells Crazy Girl that Leif Garrett has been the killer all along and that she has to kill him. So Special K gives Crazy Girl the gun and they go outside to where the payphone is. And they see Leif Garrett by the phone booth, and Teen Wolf is there dead with the phone cord wrapped around her neck and Leif Garrett is standing there next to her.

Special K’s yelling at Crazy Girl to shoot Leif Garrett, and he’s all “No! I found her like this!” and she shoots him and he dies. And then the ambulance comes and Crazy Girl gets put on the stretcher and the newspaper people and the cops are all asking her why she killed everybody. And then the dude from “Cheaters” shows up, being like a real policeman, but he was too late because Leif Garrett was already dead.

Turns out Special K is telling all these lies on Crazy Girl, but no one believes anything Crazy Girl says because she’s crazy. And then they take Crazy Girl away in an ambulance and Special K is dancing on the grass in a cheerleader uniform and cheering for herself. And that’s the end of the movie because Crazy Girl is going to go to jail after she gets out of the hospital and Special K gets to stay at the camp forever because their van got wrecked.

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