Growing up, I loved cereal. You probably did, too. It was the perfect companion for a Saturday morning of TV watching. It’s the express breakfast that some of us still depend on as adults. But beneath its nutritional value and great taste lives a seedy underbelly that breeds bad behavior and questionable values. And that underbelly is called ‘Advertising.’ The messages endorsed by the cereal commercials we grew up watching can be to blame for some of the development of America’s juvenile delinquents, degenerates and dumbasses. This Thursday’s Top Three features the Unsafe Cereals that have influenced the downfall of our great nation.
Who can forget the Trix Rabbit? All the little guy wanted was to have some fruit-tastic breakfast goodness with the neighborhood children, right?
Yeah, right. You may have forgotten that sometimes, Trix Rabbit would disguise himself in order to get at the kids’ treats. Once, Trix Rabbit wore a trench coat (with nothing underneath) to pass himself off as worthy of dipping his spoon in a kid’s bowl.
I don’t know how it works in cartoon world, but in the real world, flashers get arrested for chasing after children to get their treats. The marketing geniuses behind this product had a weird idea of what’s forgivable by calling Trix Rabbit “silly” instead of “creepy.” Grown-ups, of any species, stalking kids for fruity cereal is NOT forgivable. Parents, you’ve been warned.
The ‘Ralph Cramden’ and ‘Ed Norton’ of the cartoon world endorse this popular sugary delight. But have you noticed that every commercial featuring Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble is a display of selfishness? Barney is supposed to be Fred’s best friend, yet he has to find new ways to weasel a bowl of cereal away from him, when Fred’s got a whole box to spare.
The Fruity Pebbles lesson to children: don’t share food with anyone, not even your best friends.
I don’t have to tell you how nutty that message is, but I will: it’s fruitcake-nutty.
The characters used to lure children into enjoying this cereal of chocolate chip cookies were Chip the dog and Cookie Crook, two outlaws on a nationwide crime spree, going into houses and stealing all the Cookie Crisp they can find. According to the commercials, this reign of terror becomes so popular, that it makes everyone Crisp-crazy.
The Cookie Crisp lesson to children: Stealing will make you famous because everyone will like you…everyone except for some old-timey policeman with an absurd moustache.