NORTH CENTRAL WILLIAMSBURG HEIGHTS PARK—“Like, all good things come to an end or whatever.” That is what bar owner Bran Cooksey said when he announced that he’d be closing the doors to his Shrug Bar in the new Williamsburg annex indefinitely. According to Cooksey, the heavily frequented hipster haven will close because of its popularity.
“It’s the next step,” Cooksey added. “I opened this place because I hated bars. So now I have to continue the hipster movement like this. It’s only natural.”
Cooksey’s sentiments were deeply felt by Shrug patrons, but not necessarily appreciated. Upon the announcement, one man said, “Great, now I have to find some place else to talk about starting a band.”
One girl, who called herself Biff, was a bit more understanding of Cooksey’s decision: “That’s fine. I was starting to feel weird coming to a place I loved, anyway.”
Rumors of the bar being in financial trouble were disproven by a recorded 150% increase in profits since the beginning of the economic crisis, along a squeaky clean record of timely rent payments and taxes. These facts confirm that Cooksey is only focused on sacrificing his good living for the sake of irony, an alleged primary tenet of hipsterism.
“If those other places doing good business don’t follow suit, then North Central Williamsburg Heights Park isn’t the place I moved here from Missouri to be a master fingerpainter…I was starting to get the sneaking suspicion that people here were drinking because they actually liked being happily drunk anyway, and I can’t have that.”
Cooksey’s next move is to find a temp job, start a blog and stop shaving (“No, like, really stop,” he says.). He claims that this is the only way to reclaim the purity of being a hipster, because “the rich are the real poor.” “The true way,” Cooksey says, “is to be just poor enough.”