God: MTV to Blame for NJ Floods

Is anyone surprised that this bunch is making it rain?

Televangelist Pat Robertson is not done explaining how God uses nature to express His displeasure with the human race. Following up his recent statements about how the earthquake in Haiti is punishment for the non-Christian religious practices in the underdeveloped nation, Robertson has placed blame for the record-breaking rainfall in New Jersey on the popularity of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”

“The lord hath wrought upon the Garden State a vengeance for its reckless disregard of human decency. And he hath shown no mercy for the follies of the children, as even fathers and mothers are forced to row their way to safety because they failed to deny their young access to tanning salons and hair gel.”

Ironically, more liberal religious figures have stepped forward in agreement with the 80-year-old host of “The 700 Club.” Yesterday morning, Rev. Jesse Jackson volunteered a statement to any news reporter who would listen:

“If the education of the youth of the nation to prevent fornication and douche baggiation must happen by way of precipitation…then…what was the question?”

Typically, Robertson’s opinions come from a self-righteous, misinformed place. But some of his comments suggest that he’s done his research in the name of the Lord:

Sometimes, the mouthpiece of God doesn't need words.

“If that Snicky-doodle thought getting punched in the face was the depth of suffering, then she, the state of New Jersey and the rest of the unsaved are in for a rude awakening, as the Lord continues to fist pump his way across the earth, wreaking merciless havoc until we atone for our sinful, sinful ways.”

MTV has not issued a formal statement in response to Robertson, but they did tell Reuters that they have no plans to halt production of the second season of “Jersey Shore.” Citizens of the world, of the cloth and otherwise, certainly hope that the concurrence of television’s most popular train wreck and recent history’s worst natural disasters is purely coincidental.

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